I didn't go to Denver today.
Not because the nurse told me how "good" it would be for me to "take a day for myself."
Really, I don't want a day for myself.
I stayed home because we still have bills to pay. I still NEED to work.
I stayed home because I leave little notes around the house for myself. Sometimes on BIG pieces of paper with bold writing. Notes that say things like SHANNA DON'T FORGET TO PAY THE LIGHT BILL!!!
I stayed home because I acknowledge that some level of "normalcy" is healthy for the rest of us. And, frankly, there are some things only I can do.
But, I mostly stayed home because (all of a sudden) I wanted to work on Billy's things-to-do-list.
The thought that he'd "wake up" from this ordeal in 2 weeks -- then have a pile of paperwork, meetings, church calendars, emails, phone calls, bills to pay and well -- just all the things that would pile up on a person who existed a big life for a time...and it just didn't set right with me.
I wasn't happy about staying home. And frankly, I disagree that it did him or me any good.
I taught a little this morning.
I reason that teaching is in reality 65% teaching and 35% acting. I don't mean to insult ANY of my teacher friends. I just mean it's a job where you are "on" ALL. THE. TIME. And, on those days you don't feel like being "on" -- then -- you are acting like you do.
Today, I think I was just the 35%.
My mind just wouldn't cooperate and work in a straight line.
I managed to go to the Y (and forced Victoria to go as well).
A friend approached me there and asked for me to tell her what happened. I couldn't remember the next sentence of what I was suppose to say. After a few minutes of silence, I said with a confused tone, "I guess I can't talk about it?" Frankly, I had forgotten what she had originally asked.
I managed to get some nutrition in my body.
Admittedly, as my adrenalin wears off and I fully embrace "overwhelmedness", I find it increasingly more difficult to eat...ANYTHING. Strange.
I did finally mange to get some protein powder....
Billy's pain is terrible.
When people ask how he is doing, I really don't have words. If I do answer you, it's just an automatic response.
Currently, they are throwing every drug they have at him. That means some moments his "12" on the pain scale is a "6". But it always goes back up.
I hope, really HOPE, pray that he doesn't remember these days.
I thought about writing everything down for him. He's that kind of person. He'll want to know.
But I'll probably just end up saying something like, "Read my facebook."
He isn't really eating.
The have stopped doing neuro tests every hour (24/7). You know, "Who's the President? How many children do you have? What day is it?"
Now they are doing them every 2 hours, 24/7.
It's the tiniest step -- but it's a step -- and I am grateful for it.
They plan to allow him to sleep from 10pm - 3am this evening. That's good too.
My other random thoughts today...
** I hope B doesn't wake from this "experience" and try to do something all mid life crisis like and buy a motorcycle. People with brain injuries shouldn't be allowed to buy motorcycles.
** When this is "over" I may decide to do something all "feel good" like put up my Christmas tree BEFORE Thanksgiving. If so, I don't want to hear any crap about it. When I post the pictures on facebook my "friends" better be all LIKE, LIKE, LIKE.
** It's sad to come home at night without him. My kids are sad and worried too. They express it in different ways. Victoria is emotional and a little crazy. Ben and Hosanna are extremely, painfully even, quiet. Reserving their energy. Ben is often found doing chores in the evening that would be things B might be doing -- quietly takes the trash out, vacuums the floor. And, we all miss Elizabeth.
** Eli? Who's Eli? Does he still live here?
** This will possibly be a "life changing" experience for Billy. I don't know what that means.
** When I log on to facebook in the midst of crisis and read about your favorite sports teams, what you cooked for dinner, what your kids did today...it DOES make me feel better. I find peace, oddly, in the fact that life goes on. I am certainly ready for this situation to move on.
** Overtly positive comments are appreciated, but they often seem LOUD for some reason.
** We are all going to need some counseling after this. Have you ever seen the show BONES? You know how Sweats follows everyone around -- giving them free counseling every time they have a problem? Yea, well, the RamFam needs a Sweats.
** When you ask what can you do? The truth is, I don't know what to say. I'm not shy about asking for help. I really just can't think of what to say.
"Can you teach piano?" comes to mind.
Or, how about "Can you help Elizabeth get her Visa? Purchase her plane ticket? Renew her passport? Fund raise? We're on a dead line here."
And, "Where can I apply for Obamacare?"
** Finally, for the few men and women who went to school all the way from Kindergarten to Becoming a Brain Surgeon. I am sooooooo thankful you did. YOU are doing for my family currently that which no one else can do. And, we are so terribly grateful.