I'm in a mood. A disconnected, cranky, exasperated, not very happy, don't care if I tie all these random thoughts together into a cohesive blog mood. A funk.
OR...I simply have the flu.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Here in the Ramfam home, we are currently in the THROES of the second week of going back-to-school
(not my favorite), and having the studio reopen with full time hours at the same time.
I don't know exactly why I find transition to be so hard. Certainly, it's not the best time to come down with the flu.
While I lay in bed all day, My brain says, "Other families are going back to school. Other people are going back to work after vacation. And, making it look much easier than you are I might add".
Certainly, none of them EVER get the flu. Or have any kind of momentary lapse of purpose or motivation. Or doubt. Or find spaghetti sauce on the wall in the foyer and want to kill someone.
I remind myself that during times of high fever and coughing fits -- one probably shouldn't reevaluate one's whole life. Perhaps my judgement is impaired by the cough medicine.
I remind myself to doubt my doubt.
When transitioning last Spring, I made a Play List of things to look forward too. I am happy to say, it went pretty good. Not exactly how I'd imagined, but that's ok. That's real life too.
I did finish the front bathroom. Although I choose the quick and easy route. Doesn't look anything like my inspiration pictures. But sometimes -- you just gotta get something done GOOD ENOUGH. A year is too long to be working on redoing a bathroom. I was over it. A curtain with some tie backs, new rugs, new accessories -- for less than $100. Good enough.
We did take an anniversary trip. To Breckenridge, a place I love, where we rode kayaks and bikes around town. We will save Washington DC for another day and time I suppose.
I climbed the incline in 2 hours. And we saw a few good movies.
But, contrary to how it may seem, checking things off my lists really isn't my sum total of how my life is going. Whether it's being lived well or not.
For fall, I tossed around some ideas. I still want to paint my book shelves and revamp my Thanksgiving decorations.
I mean sort of I do. But right now, there is something tossing inside me more. There is this....
Shanna, just love people in this season. And accept their love in return.
And, right now, this feels like enough.
And, know I say this is "enough" with an OVER FLOWING to do list. More "new projects" for work and ministry than I can fathom. Many areas that need a break through. Many reasons to be brave. Many things that require me to try it just one more time.
I say this in the midst of time sensitive tasks and people depending on me...people expecting of me...and people wanting from me.
And, I say this in the midst of PLENTY OF MUNDANE things as well. Healthy meals that still need to be planned, shopped for (with coupons), prepped, prepared. The gym -- still calls my name -- and I will answer. I will "fit in" math homework, and reading to Eli, and yard work, and doing the monthly budget. Just. Like. You.
I don't imagine fall and a season of "just loving" to be quiet, or slow, or uncrowded for myself, my family or our calendar.
But I hope that I can be. On the inside. Because my FOCUS can just be LOVING WELL and RECEIVING LOVE WELL...not on my grand effort. And, at the end of the day, I believe that will be enough.
At least, I'm hoping so. In this season, I am hoping for healing, and meaning, and inspiration, and joy and relationships for me and my family members that mean something at the end of it all. And hoping to share some of that with others as well.
And, that's all I'm really trying to say.
Well, that and the fact that B says some of the color has finally returned to my face. :)