More Books....

 

"It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you'll be when you can't help it."  Oscar Wilde

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a GREAT book on marriage, except it's not really about marriage.  "Jesus was right. We have it all backwards.  The way to have a great marriage is by not focusing on marriage."

 

Intriguing?  Before you judge it, read the book.  If we don't get the #1 thing right, all the marriage advice in the world won't help anyways.

(Side note:  Our 19 year old bought this read for herself, and I gave it to our 18 year old for Easter. When you have a good read, pass it on to your kids!)

 

 

 

 

Speaking of passing a good book along to your kids...I read this last year.  Twice.  Clearest, most basic teaching I've ever read on the Holy Spirit.  Stirs so much awe, thankfulness, and reverence on the inside.  This year, I decided to go through it chapter by chapter with my 8th grader.  Parents, do this.

 

 

 

 

So often, I talk to women who are depressed, discouraged, lonely and frankly...bored.  A lot of the time, a heavy dose of self focus is the blame.  That's not judgmental, we all find ourselves there from time to time.  This book focuses on the AIDS epidemic in Africa and Shayne's involvement in advocating for a sick, hurting people -- all while dragging small children in tow.  Very powerful.  A great read for anyone looking for inspiration to DO something -- anything.

 

 

 

 

Warning:  Strong, opinionated author.  And, if you are easily offended, you'll miss out on a fantastic read.   She makes some strong statements -- and as long as you can take what's for you, and leave the rest -- you'll get a lot from it.  The chapter on Intercession and Prophetic Decrees is something I wished I written myself.

 

 

 

Well, frankly, I underlined the entire thing.  Enough said.

 

I just LOVE their books.  I've read at least 7 of them.  They are light hearted and fun.  And, my life is so serious, sometimes I need a dose of light hearted and fun.

 

 

 

Next on the docet....

 

 

 

 

Finishing up this powerful read......

 

And starting this.....

 

 

 

 

 

Would love to hear what you are pouring over these days?

 

 

 

My 2 Year Gastric ByPass Surgerversary and Other More Important Things on My Mind

The past 90 days have been crazy full stupid full insanely full  unusually full, but our calendar isn't to blame.  It's been full of "other" stuff.  The stuff that comes up that's not on your calendar.  Ya know, real life.  People, please tell me someone else knows what I'm talking about?

Awards we could have actually won in the last 3 months....
 

The "We Got This Far Without Killing Each Other" Award.

The "If There Was Candy Within 10 Feet of Me, I Ate It" Award.

The, "We Yell At Each Other Too Much, LOTS of Forgiveness Going on Around Here" Award.

The, "We're Living on the Least Amount of Sleep Possible" Award.

The, "I Listen to 80's Rock at Very High Volumes When I'm Stressed" Award.

The, "I Don't Know Where the Kids Are, But We're Going on a Date Any How" Award.

Life NOT on my calendar the past 3 weeks...

- My business got an unexpected phone call that our building had been sold.  Must be vacated in 30 days.  Huh?


- Next day, took a trip to Tulsa with 3 oldest kids.  Determined not to think about business.  Tell myself to be all present.  Maybe the man on the street corner would want to buy my business for $1.  I ask B to get out of the car and ask him.


- Niece comes to town for Spring Break.  Spends 2 weeks going back and forth from the Springs to Denver to confirm a genetic disorder SO RARE she'll never met another person who has it.  Say what?


- Realize Spring Break will be our last chance to see Elizabeth before she spends a month in India.  The last time?  I felt ok about this, until another well meaning mom says, "This is the hardest trip the kids take.  Seriously hard.  They come back so exhausted".  Hmmmmmmmmm, I contemplate if I should worry.


- Vocal Chord Dysfunction.  Well, it's a real thing and I guess we've ignored it long enough.  And since Elizabeth is tired of her vocal chords cutting off her breathing, we finally found a professor who specialized and treats it at the University of Tulsa.  I suppose it would be good for Elizabeth to be able to breath in India.  Yea, she agrees that would be good.

- Discouraging news comes for our other daughter.  I mean, an answer to prayer, sure.  Just not the one mom wanted to hear.  Blah.

 

- There were 3 trips to DIA.


- Are Billy and I still married?  Billy who?  We plan a weekend away on the calendar.  Smart.


- Why does the hot tub say 105, when it's really 55?  Dang.

- Who broke the dishwasher?  Who broke the sink?  Who broke the..........

- Finally got a day off!  Wait.  Spoke too soon.  Son decided to break his arm.  5 hours at the ER.

 

So....where am I going with all this....


TODAY, I realized that it's my 2 year WLS anniversary.  2 years!  And 15 months of that in maintenance.  Crazy.


I realized it at Total Body Workout class.


I was laying on my back, on the step...holding my feet off the ground doing flys with 5 lb weights...looking at the ceiling...keeping beat with Kelly Clarkson blarring....


And I had the thought, "Shanna, you just walked in here as easy as pie.  You weren't scared.  You didn't have a single thought of 'I can't do it' or 'I wish I could do it'.  You ARE doing it." 


And, in that moment, I literally cried.  Right there on my back.  In a room full of strangers.  Because it still feels like a miracle to me.


I would tell you more of my thoughts about WLS and what it feels like to be 100 lbs healthier...but...there's all that "other" stuff that's been on my mind.

Today, I hear God saying to my tender, overly sensitive heart...


I will supply all your needs -


Shanna, what do you need?


Sometimes, it takes a while to get to the heart of what you really need, what you are REALLY asking God for.  Like when you write 1,000 sentences to get to that 1 sentence that expresses what you are REALLY trying to say.  (Then you are suppose to erase everything else.  I didn't do that here.  Sorry).

At the root...I want to hear God tell me that there's a greater meaning to my work than looking for a new store front, and signing a new lease.  That it's more than just teaching a few kids how to play an instrument.  I still need His reassurance that I am in the right place, doing the right thing.  That my life work matters.


You are where you are suppose to be -

I made career compromises in order to have a large family.  Truth be told, 20 years ago, I didn't have a single thought about what I wanted to do with a degree in Performance Music.  What I had vision for was raising the next generation of Christian leaders.  I KNEW God was calling me to do that to my core.  And, I still do.  I will die not having done everything on my bucket list, but I will also know that I spent my time doing what was most important to me. 

Even when it doesn't feel like it, I  am for you, not against you -

Yes.  Shanna, breathe that in for the millionth time, why don't ya? 

Speak life over your situations -

This is a hard one for me.  Especially when I want to voice my disappointment and fear.  But once I've made myself miserable enough, I decide to submit to the Holy Spirit's leading.  I WILL COMMAND MY SOUL TO BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.

 

 

Rest in My presence -

If I'm honest, I've spent the better part of 20 years trying to figure out what exactly that means. 

Mostly because sitting in God's presence with my emotions doesn't feel restful to me. I end up saying, "Lord, what do you want me to DO?" 

I guess I'm not that great at resting.  So for now, I will consistently bring my heap of emotions into His presence.  And tell myself there - to be still.  And listen.  And, trust His peace to protect my heart.  And, well, adults, sometimes you just have to preach it to yourself.

This is my 2 Year Surgerversary...and this I know more deeply than ever...God holds my world in his hands as well as my life work - and regardless of what is happening or not happening He isn't taking it lightly.  He is my supply.  It is all His stage.  And like you, I want, I hope it all means something in the end.

In answer to the question, "What does the resurrection of Christ mean to you?", I say to a table of new friends today  RECUSE, HEALING AND FREEDOM.  I pray these things for my family every day as I walk my salvation out...that God would continue to recuse us, heal us, and set us free.  And, I'm so thankful that those things are as available to me today as they were when I first discovered them decades ago.  Grace.

If you are praying, searching, asking, feeling....you're in good company.  Keep going.



Blessings,

Gastric Bypass Surgery - 18 month update (3 months late)

In October, I passed the 18 month mark after having Gastric Bypass Surgery in April of 2013.  I have lost 99.5 lbs, and am holding steady 8.5 lbs BELOW my surgeons goal weight.


I saw my doctor for blood work and to make a long story short -- my numbers couldn't be more perfect.  I'm off all meds, and in the doctors words, "healthy".  She followed up with a sincere, "Shanna, you made it." 


I also saw the behavioral therapist for a quick check in.  I'm sure she's called something else -- a fancy medical name, but I can't remember what it is.  Regardless, she's nice.  And, I'm a fan of counseling.  A good counselor is worth their weight in gold in fact.  Everyone could benefit from having one in their life.


She asks me some questions on just how "worried" I am that I might gain the weight back.  Well, I say fairly sure, "The thought crosses my mind at least once or twice a day."  Therapist, "Do the thoughts you have cause you to not be able to function in your day to day life"?  Me, "Uh, no.  I have 5 kids and one is adopted and blind -- the rest are teenagers.  I have a busy husband, a relationship with Jesus...friends...I run a business.  I have people who work for me, people in training, accounts payable, receivable, kids going to sports, music lessons, play practice and poetry readings.  I occasionally clean my house."  I smile.  I say, "All that is just to say, my life REQUIRES that I function.  I'm pretty good at focusing my thoughts, telling myself the truth, keeping a good attitude, having faith, and persevering.  You know, FUNCTIONING.  I'm good at functioning.  At this point I'm thinking that 'non functioning' would be a little like a vacation, you know?"


She smiles and asks questions about my doctors take on my weight loss.  How I've determined my goal weight and what "wiggle room" I have according to how I know my weight fluctuates.  She asks about my families response.  She listens to me whine about the well meaning people who regularly tell me I could "weigh even less" or "be even smaller."


Me, "It feels like I've been on this wild airplane ride, and about now I'm looking for where I should land.  I guess that's my real question.  Where do I land?" 

Therapist smiles and says, "You don't land, you just stay on the journey."

She ends with, "No matter what happens, even if you gain weight back, you KNOW HOW to lose weight now.  You know the rhythm of food preparation, eating healthy, and exercise.  No one can ever take that away from you."

And, I breathe deep -- and leave her office to return to all my functioning.

***

This season has raised questions for me like when do you decide you like the number on the scale and are now free to enter MAINTEANCE mode?  For some, the answer is obvious, but when you've NEVER MAINTAINED ANY WEIGHT -- always gaining or losing -- the ground that answer lies on feels a little squishy. 

And, am I really free to decide that anyhow?  Or is there some secret obligation to let other people's opinions decide for me?  I mean really, honest question, is there?

Questions surface like, will there be those people  who just forever and always try to influence me to lose more weight?   Seriously.  Tell me.  WILL THERE BE CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO JUST AWLAYS DO THIS?  By "people", of course, I mean other women.   And, well, is this how all women who have healthy weights (and good numbers on blood reports) yet don't have perfect bodies feel all the time???  Does this exhaust everyone or is that just me?  I'd like to rest knowing that I'll eventually be able to shake all the YOU SHOULDS, YOU COULDS, IF ONLY YOU WOULDS off, but as I listen to others talk, I'm not convinced we ever do.  I hope we do.  I hope I do.  We shall see......

***

My big revelation of this season has been that losing 100 lbs hasn't cured me 100% of fat thinking.

This past weekend, we had enough CAKE left over from a piano recital to feed a small country.  B says, "Let's throw it away."  I say, "No, let's take it home to Benjamin."  So, innocent.  So stupid.

Bless my heart.

Fortunately, B followed up with, "No, let's throw it away.  I don't want it in the house."  Mature of him.  We went home cakeless.

Whereas I am pro eating for pleasure every once in a while, a recovering alcoholic doesn't keep margarita's in the fridge just for "everyone else" -- and frankly -- the family members of an alcoholic don't need it either.  And, I'm kinda like that.  And, so is my family.  A recovering food-aholic....sugar-aholic.  And, I know there's a difference between a piece of cake in my fridge and a box of leftover cake that could fill a VW bug. 

I sooooooo know that.  But, again, I'm not cured.

Keeping THAT in mind, is important in this stage of the game apparently. 

I am well aware that my best defense against gaining my 100 lbs back is too do the following, a short set of "rules" I have for myself......

1.  Keep my environment as free of temptation as necessary.  And, after the holiday months, "necessary" would mean COMPLETELY FREE OF TEMPTATION.  I need an environment at home where I can not fail.

2.  Avoid restaurants.  The food almost always makes me feel terrible, and well, it replaces the nutrition I could be putting in my body.  DEFENSE for eating food I shouldn't -- to EAT THE FOOD I SHOULD.

3.  Have convenience foods on hand.  For me this includes Advocare Berry Meal Replacement Shakes, Spark, Protein Bars, Greens, Diced Veggies, Avocado, and Cooked Protein.

4.  Move my body.  Bodies were made to move.  I am happier when I am moving. 

And, well, that's it. 

***

I don't always have time to prepare a week's worth of meals for my family of 7 on the weekends.  This weekend included my 41st birthday, 2 piano recitals, and 2 birthday parties.  Throw in errands, kids and church -- and I really just didn't want to stand in the kitchen for 2 hours cooking.  So...I didn't.

However, in order for my week to go the best it can -- I still needed to prepare SOMETHING.

So,on the way out the door to church, in the spirit of rule #3 above, I put a pork tenderloin in the crock pot with some lemon pepper.  I laid 1/2 of a spaghetti squash on top of the tenderloin and seasoned it with salt and pepper.  I wrapped a couple of seasoned chicken breasts in foil and tossed them on top as well. Threw the switch on high and let the machine do it's thing.

Later that evening, I shredded the pork and the squash. I browned 4 lbs lean beef that I'll use for chili and tacos later this week.

And, that's the extent of it.  Less than 30 minutes of prep this weekend.  But it will benefit me and my family GREATLY this week. 

Dinners are simple.  Shredded pork tenderloin and steamed green beans.  Chili with beef and beans...ladled over a bed of organic greens.  Sautéed peppers and onion, with sliced chicken over the spaghetti squash.  When the protein is prepared, it's easy to toss together a quick lunch.  And, well, snacks around here (for me AND the kids) are actually small meals.  Real food.

And, thus, my functioning.

And I'm so thankful for it.  Thankful the time has passed so quickly, healing has been so powerful and that all I've learned as been such a surprising blessing to me! 

I love that I've gotten the chance to do this, and I love walking along side others as they embark or just continue on their own journey towards optimal health and healing...however that fleshes out for them. 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  2 Cor 1:3-4

 

 

Blessings,

 

Prayer, Fear and Letting Go

Recently, my sweet college kid wrote this blog on why she isn't afraid to go to India.  I am happy to say, I am not the "loving mother" she refers too that asked why in the world she'd even WANT too go -- and I am in no way surprised to hear her say she is more preoccupied with feeling COMPASSION rather than FEAR.

Compassion can make a person do all kinds of  crazy things.  Believe me, I know.

***

The snow was piled above our heads today in Colorado.  I woke early and said good bye to B in order to spend the morning in the studio.  Some people spend their days listening to their favorite musicians.  I teach mine.

During a mid day break - I ran some errands.  I'm not even sure how the old CD got in my car but it was right there -- Around Your Throne by Ross Parsley.  I put it in, and along with the prayerful lyrics, I began to pray for my family.

Sometimes, prayer feels dry.

But, not today.  Today, I am keenly aware of  some prophetic authority wrapping my words -- and I just know I'm suppose to be saying them out loud.  They are accompanied with a knowing that my faith is activating something that I can't even see, or explain.

***

My little family has stepped out this year to do some new things, and I've felt particularly sensitive to the need to be praying for each of them.  We feel more broken than ever before.  More hungry for God's presence.  More willing to trust Him.

We believe He's gone before us in these new endeavors -- at least we are all hoping that He has.

As I drive, I pray that the 7 of us would grow in wisdom.  I ask God to establish the work of our hands.

I pray that the love that Jesus had for others -- would be the same heart my family members have for the people God brings across our path.

***

I'm not just talking when I pray.  I'm listening.

Real life situations and conversations from this past week tumble through my thoughts.

My Spirit hears things like....

I am the God of the humble.  I chooses to draw close to the broken hearted, the hungry, the thirsty. I am a friend to the weak.

I compassionately wash the feet of the weary.

God's kindness continues to draw me in, and change me.  Makes me want to be like Him.

***

At this point in the conversation -- I pray that my children will have an apostolic anointing -- that the compassion of Jesus would MOVE them to action -- that they would be powerful women and men of God TODAY and be willing to GO where ever God leads them -- to whom God leads them.  Oh that they be sensitive to His leading.

In this moment of prayer, whether that be a public platform here in America -- or a hut across the ocean with a hidden ministry of intercession makes no never mind to me.  It's their hearts I want to see changed.

Do you know what it cost me and Billy to follow Jesus with WILLING hearts?  Everything.

Do you know what it will cost our children?  The same.

***

It's on the heals of a hundred moments, a thousands days over the past 20 years, just like this one  -- times that in MY WILLING SURRENDER, I SURRENDER MY CHILDREN TO GOD WHO CREATED THEM FOR HIS PURPOSE (You know, that thing we say about how they aren't really ours?) -- that one of my kids will blow in the door and casually say something like, "Guess where I'm going to lead worship for a month this summer?  India."

"If you fulfill your calling, your children will fulfill theirs."  Patricia Bootsma

***

If you don't spend time praying for your children, that's another conversation.  But, listen sweet parent, WHO PRAYS...

What is the point of praying that your child would have COMPASSION only for you to recoil when they invite their gay, lonely friend over for dinner?

What is the point of praying that they'd be OBEDIENT to what God calls them to do, only to say NO WAY when it's going farther away -- or is more costly to them (and you) than you thought?

What is the point of praying a rebellious child would COME TO THE END OF THEMSELVES only to continually cushion the blow so much -- they're never aware they hit bottom?

And, well, a thousand other scenarios.

This is a part of learning to cooperate with the Holy Spirit not only in your own life, but in the growth of your child as well.

When your children surrender, obey, trust, sacrifice -- there is no greater joy.  AND, it is also your opportunity to let go of MORE -- surrender AGAIN -- obey willingly AGAIN (even if your body trembles) -- decide to trust no matter what AGAIN -- AGAIN there is sacrifice.

This is not to say that I don't have emotions like yours -- that our greatest nightmares as mother are not all similar.  It's not naivety that the rain doesn't actually fall on the just and the unjust.  I'm certainly not suggesting it is easy.  The Bible uses words like overcome -- and persevere.  And last I lived, I didn't have to overcome or persevere something that was cake.

But, this is the process by which God grows in me -- and how God grows in my children.  How we as a family become more like Jesus.  It doesn't matter if you are 19, or like me, turning 41 this weekend.  I imagine it to be the same at 60 and 80.

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, 

are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, 

which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.  2 Cor 3:18

Keep praying friend,

Midweek Love

This morning, I opened a file on my computer's desktop called, "Plan for the New Year, Leaping Forward in 2014." 

Do you remember your "word" for this year?  That one you prayerfully choose back in January?  I remember mine.  PROGRESS. 

I remember some of yours too. 

And, they inspired me to add the words "WITH HOPE AND PEACE".

One thing weight loss surgery taught me:  Living most of life ALL OR NOTHING isn't virtuous or helpful. 

If I don't lose all my weight in 2 weeks (which felt like 2 years), eating healthy is not worth it.

If my marriage doesn't feel good by Friday, I'm out.

If my budget doesn't work out the way I hoped for the 6th month in a row, forget it, I'm going on a shopping spree.  I'll be disciplined and pay off the debt some other day.

If I don't get the 'yes' today, it will probably never happen.

And, with that, we stay stuck.

Billy and I will admit that we've made a good handful of decisions over the course of our lives, that looking back seem...well...stupid. 

Like you, we've spent more than one sleepless night wrestling with thoughts like, "Why'd we quit"?  "Why'd we give in"?  "Why didn't we say yes?"  And, one of our most prevalent thoughts, "WHY ARE WE SO DUMB"?

We readily see our own limitations.  And, just for the record, the children whom we've birthed walk close enough to us to see our limitations too.  We can't keep them secret so it seems.

Shortly after opening the file this morning, I found myself in prayer.  Talking with a God whose Spirit lives in me and whose grace ABOUNDS to me.  For that I am sure.

He reminded me to RELY on HIS HELP. 

There is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. 2 Chron 14:11

 

Do not fear or be dismayed.  I will surely save you out of a distant place.  You will again have peace and security.  Jer 46:27

 

This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  2 Cor 1:8 - 11

 

Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit.  Zech 4:6

 

Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced.  Isa 50:7

And on and on it goes....

So, I shamelessly toss all my eggs in THAT basket.

Rereading Nehemiah, I notice he felt no difficulty in combining prayer and action. 

 

"After I looked thing over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, 'Don't be afraid of them.  Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."  4:14

 

 

It isn't too late you know?

 

To do some of those things on your list.  To step towards the One who put them on your heart in the first place.  To rely, to trust, to pray, to fight.

 

I finish reading Nehemiah, pondering my own draw to "rebuild the walls" -- the places "long devastated." 

 

B sends me a text, "I'm not giving up on the dreams God's put in our heart.  It took years to get from vision to adopt, to the actual adoption...I may be tired but I throw myself before my Father and practice trusting him, even when, especially when I don't see the answers..."

 

I smile.  I guess we're on the same page.  Hearing the same broadcast from Heaven this morning.

 

WE TRUST.

 

WE PRAY.

 

WE FIGHT.

 

We step towards God.  We step towards each other.

 

It's not time for you to give up either.

 

"Every secret, every shame
Every fear, every pain
Live inside the dark
But that's not who we are
We are children of the day
So wake up sleeper, lift your head
We were meant for more than this
Fight the shadows conquer death
Make the most of the time we have left."  Kari Jobe

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8cX6SHtxeE 

 

It's not all or nothing. 

 

Apart from Him I am nothing.  But He holds all things together.  He can over come even our stupidity, our naïve mistakes, our immaturity, our pain. Not just "those things" that happened to me in childhood, or the stupidness of my teen years before my frontal cortex was fully developed.  He overcomes the mistakes I made -- even last week.

He isn't a God who says 'you got yourself into this mess -- now dig yourself out.'  His grace, his help ABOUNDS to me. 

 

And with that, I shake off  a little more of what hinders and create more room for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control.  I create more room for God's Spirit to grow inside me.

 

Mid week love to you all dear friends!

 

Blessings,

 

 



On Fighting for Peace

Someone recently said to me in a whiny voice, "But, You and Billy have the perfect life."

Wha?

Listen friends, I'm big on gratitude...gratitude for all things...and being responsible for your own happiness...and self care...and living the life you want to live...and not whining...and well...all that jazz.  But seriously, the "perfect life" we have is news to me.  And, my facial expression to my friend said just that.

This has been said to me before you know.

Said to me -- ALWAYS -- on the day my car just got flat tire #2 in the same week, and I'd run right down and buy a new set -- only -- I'm still rebuilding the emergency fund I emptied on car repairs LAST month. The same day my child calls from another state with kidney stones...right before the principal calls from school around the corner saying my other child received a referral for being disrespectful and sarcastic to the sub (sarcastic?  Huh?)...followed by Eli walking in the door with yet another set of broken glasses...and we're all hungry and outta groceries because it's right about NOW I realize I've put too much on my business plate to even think about house keeping duties. And, looking around, that's been the case for quite awhile now.  I mean really, is Eli the ONLY second grader up until 10 pm just because his parents forget to put him to bed?

I'm not even joking people.

According to my mother, it's like Home Alone around here all.  the.  time.

But, maybe, that's what "perfect life" means to some people?!?!?!?!?!

I asked Billy once how in GOD'S GREEN EARTH do we give people the "perfect life impression"? Seriously, we are both happy to sit and discuss the finer points of our ACTUAL life with just about anyone who seems interested.  B just shrugged and said, "We must have VERY good attitudes."

***

The last 2 weeks have been weird for me.

Our studio added a few new classes for littles, which require a lot of prep work on my part, and a couple of new teachers, and new private clients, and throw in a couple of very fun little birthday parties......all while B was out of town...and my oldest was very ill...and well, the day mentioned above was a REAL DAY in the life of the RamFam just about two weeks ago.

And, the excitement of it all was just enough to throw off my internal rhythm.  The past couple of weeks, I've forgotten things I NEVER forget -- like to actually GO TO WORK!  Yikes!  When your student calls and says, "Are you coming"?  And, ya well, that's a sign my brain is over full and important things are spilling out.

I've had a physical feeling of excitement?  Nervousness?  Anxiousness?  Fear?  What the what?  It's been hard to put my finger on.  Like I just couldn't get my adrenaline to shut off.

It's affected my ability to eat (which 17 months post wls still requires concentration on my part).  It's affected my concentration...my ability to remember things OBVIOUSLY...and my sleep...thus making me feel MORE crazy.

I just haven't been able to shake the buzzy, zippy feeling associated with my perfect life.  So to speak.

I've talked to my family, asked and received help. I've required the RamFam teens to step up their contributions.  Including choosing to fly Hosanna to be with Liz during a minor surgery.

I've taken the time to MAKE sure I was eating well...taking my supplements...praying.

I've made sure I was not just on "Introvert Overload" and had some quite time.

I've prioritized things that bring me joy like being outside, reading.

I confessed to a friend, "Maybe it's just the pressure of owning my own business.  You know, like if I'm 'good' I make money.  And, if I suck, I don't. So...I ALWAYS have to be 'good'."

I went on a rampage to identify any and every stress inducing thought I might be having.  Frankly, there weren't many.  Yet, I spoke truth to myself.

My shaky feeling seems to be there whether or not I drink coffee, have long talks with college kid insuring she's o.k., or frankly when my emotional state is calm and holding all it's horses.

We googled, and self diagnosed and well, B is convinced it's just 'performance anxiety'.  I do music for a living, and  performance anxiety isn't foreign to me -- although unusual for me to experience the physical symptoms for so long.

So, we make some decisions.  Consolidate lesson plans for next week so there's more repetition and less to remember.  Ask another teacher to handle some of my private clients for awhile -- giving me a little more of a gap to catch my breath.  Commit to call my doctor early in the week...2 weeks in warrants a medical opinion.  Take a gap week before the official fall KM semester starts.  A gap week where I'm running at 50% (vs 300%).

And this morning, I spent quite time in prayer.  I reminded myself that I don't have to lead this shindig.  I just have to pray, try to hear the Holy Spirit and try to cooperate with what He says.  If He opens a door, and I walk through -- that's really all I have to do -- walk though it and do my thing. Do what I do.  He goes before me.  My powerful, good, brilliant, strong, capable God steps before me.

I trust.  I've done this before.  In fact, I've been brave and done things FAR MORE scary than growing my business...and leading large groups of parents in playing with their children.

I remind myself that my current decisions were made in peace.  And, if I made the decision to QUIT it would be out of fear.  And, I would REGRET that.  Maybe not right away, but I would regret it.

I write here.  Because it changes something in me.

I glance at the calendar.  I see a date, soon, where new teachers will take over my classes and I'll go back to "normal" duties.

The holidays will come -- and family will visit.  And Lizzie will come home. We'll cook healthy food AND unhealthy food.  There will be fudge.  My mama's fudge.  We'll wrap our modest gifts in amazing ways, go see lights and get on to the kids for fighting in the back seat.  And, we'll stand around the piano and sing carols -- because well -- everyone plays and everyone sings around here...and music is in this house when it's my job and when it's not my job.

We'll sled and ski -- and it'll be Spring before you know it and then Hosanna will graduate and kid #2 will move off to college....and well....even now this is me reminding myself to look up -- that my life is so much more than my job. And definitely more than just what I have to do THIS week.

Some things will go well.  Great even.  Some things will fail.  We'll keep some things and scratch some others.  And, that's the ebb and flow of it all.

And I look one more time at my busy schedule for the week and shrug and say, "It's JUST a lot of people to bless this week."

And, really, for a little business whose goal it is to simply make our city a more delightful place to live --

To make the burden of the single parent a little lighter
To make the day of the special needs child a little brighter
To take seriously the artisan soul
To raise up tomorrows worship leaders
To make learning the language of music the lovely thing it was always meant to be
To create
To help the young musician get from A to B
To nod yes to the prophetic parent who sees their child succeeding in their future
To create time and space for parents of littles to interact and love

To love.  To love.  To love

A goal to simply make our city a more delightful place to live -- a week to bless A LOT of people -- is really just that.  And, I am thankful.

And, I am momentarily relieved of my racing adrenaline -- and just feel peace.

And, well, peace is worth fighting for when it's necessary.  It's worth figuring out.  And asking for. And drawing near - because He is our Peace.  And then drawing near some more.  It's even worth a doctor's check up.

If you're there -- fighting for peace -- in the midst of your own "perfect life", you're not alone.  We are all pretty much a like.  In fact, you're in good company.  Great company really.  So, keep going.


Blessings and much peace to you friends,

Fall Play List - 2014

Sometimes, I write and I write....and it's all in an effort to find that one sentence....that one thing I'm actually trying to say.  Then, once I figure that out,  I can, for your sake, go back and erase everything else.  You're welcome.

I'm in a mood.  A disconnected, cranky, exasperated, not very happy, don't care if I tie all these random thoughts together into a cohesive blog mood.  A funk.

OR...I simply have the flu.

Either way.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

***

Here in the Ramfam home, we are currently in the THROES of the second week of going back-to-school
(not my favorite), and having the studio reopen with full time hours at the same time.

I don't know exactly why I find transition to be so hard.  Certainly, it's not the best time to come down with the flu.

While I lay in bed all day, My brain says, "Other families are going back to school.  Other people are going back to work after vacation.  And, making it look much easier than you are I might add".

Certainly, none of them EVER get the flu.  Or have any kind of momentary lapse of purpose or motivation. Or doubt.  Or find spaghetti sauce on the wall in the foyer and want to kill someone.

***

I remind myself that during times of high fever and coughing fits -- one probably shouldn't reevaluate one's whole life.  Perhaps my judgement is impaired by the cough medicine.

I remind myself to doubt my doubt.

*** 

During transitions (sickness aside), times where I have to let one thing go and embrace another, I have learned to prioritize self care the best I know how.  And, whereas I believe it's in my best interest to fight, if I must, to settle in to a new routine sooner rather than later...I try to handle my own emotions with kindness and gentleness.

When transitioning last Spring, I made a Play List of things to look forward too.  I am happy to say, it went pretty good.  Not exactly how I'd imagined, but that's ok.  That's real life too.

I did finish the front bathroom.  Although I choose the quick and easy route.  Doesn't look anything like my inspiration pictures.  But sometimes -- you just gotta get something done GOOD ENOUGH.  A year is too long to be working on redoing a bathroom.  I was over it.  A curtain with some tie backs, new rugs, new accessories -- for less than $100.  Good enough.

We did take an anniversary trip. To Breckenridge, a place I love, where we rode kayaks and bikes around town.  We will save Washington DC for another day and time I suppose.

I climbed the incline in 2 hours.  And we saw a few good movies.

But, contrary to how it may seem, checking things off my lists really isn't my sum total of how my life is going. Whether it's being lived well or not.

For fall, I tossed around some ideas.  I still want to paint my book shelves and revamp my Thanksgiving decorations.

I mean sort of I do.  But right now, there is something tossing inside me more.  There is this....

Shanna, just love people in this season.  And accept their love in return.  

And, right now, this feels like enough. 

And, know I say this is "enough" with an OVER FLOWING to do list.  More "new projects" for work and ministry than I can fathom.  Many areas that need a break through.  Many reasons to be brave.  Many things that require me to try it just one more time.  

I say this in the midst of time sensitive tasks and people depending on me...people expecting of me...and people wanting from me.  

And, I say this in the midst of PLENTY OF MUNDANE things as well.  Healthy meals that still need to be planned, shopped for (with coupons), prepped, prepared.  The gym -- still calls my name -- and I will answer.  I will "fit in" math homework, and reading to Eli, and yard work, and doing the monthly budget. Just.  Like. You.

I don't imagine fall and a season of  "just loving" to be quiet, or slow, or uncrowded for myself, my family or our calendar.

But I hope that I can be.  On the inside.  Because my FOCUS can just be LOVING WELL and RECEIVING LOVE WELL...not on my grand effort.  And, at the end of the day, I believe that will be enough.      

At least, I'm hoping so.  In this season, I am hoping for healing, and meaning, and inspiration, and joy and relationships for me and my family members that mean something at the end of it all.  And hoping to share some of that with others as well.

And, that's all I'm really trying to say.  

Well, that and the fact that B says some of the color has finally returned to my face.  :)

Selah.

Blessings,