{10 Lessons I've Learned in Marriage} - On Being Committed to Personal Healing

From time to time, I survey my social media friends on what blog topics the would like to see me write about.  I'm always hoping they will suggest something funny.  For instance...


Your Worst DIY Disasters

This past Halloween, all Eli wanted was a simple PacMan Costume. Billy's mother graciously did ALL the sewing and left me with absolutely NOTHING to do except the gluing.  THE GLUING, YA'LL.  And, well, after literally ruining the iron and ironing board with the super incredible AMAZINGLY ADHESIVE spray glue (that apparently isn't suppose to be used inside)...I glued my shoes to the wood floors of my dining room and was in a heap of tears. 

 

Infomercial Weaknesses

We all have them.  And, when we were much younger, before the internet and all, I watched the Ronco Food Dehydrator Infomercial one too many times.  I envisionsed myself making homemade fruit roll-ups, Beef Jerky, Turkey Jerky...and well...the box arrived.  I crazy excitedly announced to Billy, "We only have (3) more payments to make of $69.95 for this baby AND I'm going to be able to save us CRAZY amounts of cash by making everyone homemade banana chips for Christmas!" The look on B's face said it all.  I'd gone slap crazy.  Instantly I thought, "What in God's green Earth have I done?  Banana Chips?"  Never used the things.  Not even once.

Kid Quotes

Eli, "Mom, do you remember when your butt was soooooo big, we couldn't both fit in this chair together?"  My kids are so hilarious, right?


And well, no one EVER suggests these types of topics. 

What they seemingly want to read about is, "Grocery Shopping 101 {and other REALLY boring things", "Raising Up Kids Who are on Mission", and "How to Deal with Dissappointment".

They want my serious side.

So, Here it comes...my first ever, SERIOUS, blog series. 

(Que dramatic music)

(Takes a bow)

Billy and I have been studying and sharing more on marriage lately.

We've been talking with other couples and mentors, going to marriage ministry training, and listening to podcasts.  This week, we'll even head off to "A Weekend to Remember" to focus on our own stuff while in the midst of pushing forward with what we feel compelled to say.

Since what we have to say is a mouthful, I thought I'd break it up into 10 posts.  You're welcome.  :)

So, here ya go, 10 Lessons I've learned in Marriage.

Lesson #1: 

BE COMMITTED TO YOUR OWN PERSONAL HEALING

Billy and I both came in to marriage with baggage.  Lots of baggage frankly.  We had limited pre marital counsel, which I only did as a formality...how bad could marriage possibly be when you were as awesome as we were?

And, well truthfully, it COULD have been REALLY, REALLY BAD. 

But, in those early years (years 1 - 3) we were VERY committed to personal healing from our past, and very dedicated individually to spending time with the Holy Spirit.  And, we still are.

The best gift you can give your spouse is the gift of a healthy you.  Good health starts deep in your core.

I love what the Bible says in Ezekiel 36:26-28.  "I'll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you.  I'll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that's God-willed, not self-willed.  I'll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands."

To experience deeper degrees of healing, and forgiveness, and freedom is still one of my most frequent uttered prayers for my family.

 


Blessings,

Romancing Your Husband for Valentine's Day

This week in the #storyofmarriageCO class...we just threw it right on out there.

PLAN AND EXECUTE A VALENTINE'S-ISH DATE.

Easy, right?

Maybe, but, let's be REAListic.  Cause fake isn't our thing.

While we heard the guffaw in the room, the flirty snickers, and the sweet expressions of mirth (read with an uptick in my voice) -- we also noticed those who looked down at the floor...eyebrows furrowed in worry.  We noticed those whose eyes rolled in frustration...those who sighed...slumped...

I'm just going to say it.  Truth is, some of you, don't much like one another very much...yet.

Empathetic, we circled back around and issued a different kind of challenge.

Instead of the pressure of planning the most romantic filled, love rediscovering, best sex you've ever had in your life Valentine's Day date, we asked for something a little less grandiose (but perhaps even more profound).

A gesture.

An action, a courtesy, a step towards communicating one positive thing to your spouse in the next couple of weeks.

***********************************************************************

So, ladies, I'm talkin' to you.  (B will address men in his blog later this week).

I want to give you some simple ideas for romancing a man - that you may or may not like all that much right now.  I hope you will be led to have meaningful conversation with God both about your spouse and your own heart.  I pray that conversation leads you to an action step (a gesture) that is specifically meaningful to your man.

Cause, ladies, Valentine's Day isn't all about us girls.

***********************************************************************

So, how to romance your husband?  

Not the fantasy husband in your mind, but the real life, actual man YOU are married too.  

First, let's just all concede that most men don't want to go to all the hassle of recreating your first date and won't care if you do either.  Most don't get the "feel goods" because you fill their car with helium balloons and sticky hearts. I don't know a single man who really cares to read slips of paper (no matter how thoughtful) tucked in a mason jar labeled "Things I Love About You".  So, let's get our heads out of the Pinterest cloud and back down to earth.

A meaningful gesture is more than the purchase of a candy heart tossed on his side of the bed, or a homemade coupon book, or even deciding you'll get on his schedule for sex just this one night.

It starts when you privately give honest answers to questions like...

What does my spouse do that I'm most grateful for?

What does my spouse do that I really appreciate?

What is my spouse really good at?

What important thing does my spouse really care about?

What brings my spouse joy?

If you can answer one or two of those, you have a place by which you can start to ponder and create a gesture that might not create the stuff Valentine's movies are made of for you - but may be meaningful to your significant other.

So, here ya go....

1.  Give your spouse the gift of FORGIVENESS.  This is big.  And frankly, it all starts here.  Your UNFORGIVENESS, ladies, is a much greater hindrance to the connectivity you desire (both with your spouse and God) than the dirty under ware he continues to throw on the floor that drives you nuts (metaphorically speaking).

2.  Give your spouse the gift of KINDNESS.  Repent for judging him.

3.  Give your spouse the gift of a RELAXED you.  Decide that on Valentine's Day you're going to laugh.  Smile.  Breathe deeply.  There will be no demanding.  No crazy expectations.  No sighing. No Eye rolling, or riding his case.

4.  For Valentine's Day, give him the gift of your INTEREST, and your PARTICIPATION.  Sit beside him for a football game, and ask him to explain the rules to you (again).  Try to listen.

Suggest that he teach you how to play golf or chess or change a tire, whatever is his thing.  Dare I say it, play the video game with him.  Side by side, shoulder to shoulder, you just might both have some fun.

5.  Give him the gift of your SATISFACTION.  Let him off the hook for what he does or doesn't do for Valentine's Day this year.  Decide you aren't going to be disappointed in him.

6.  Give him the gift of TOUCH.  Valentine's Day isn't about earth altering sex.  I like to think of it as a realistic celebration of all things LOVE (spouse, God, kids, friends).  But, in general, men seem to rightfully, really enjoy sex.  So...do get on his schedule.  Night?  Morning?  Lunch break?  He'll notice you broke routine to reach out to him.

7.  Give him the gift of your ATTENTION.  This can be a big deal - especially during a season where your kids are hogging it all up.  Listen to what he says.  Make notes of his likes and dislikes.  Cook his favorites.  Let him pick the movie.  Let him know he's the one on your mind during the day, and that you're excited about seeing him later that evening.  Then, go and review points #1 - #6.

Listen, your life isn’t perfect.  Your Valentine's Day isn't going to be perfect either. That's ok.  

Remember we're adults now.  We aren't into re-creating the pressure of Senior Prom Night year after year like High School girls do. We understand that a perfect Valentine's Day is the FURTHEST THING from the point.  What you want, what we all want, is our relationships to take a step in a healthy, healing direction.  

We are praying for you!

My 2 Year Gastric ByPass Surgerversary and Other More Important Things on My Mind

The past 90 days have been crazy full stupid full insanely full  unusually full, but our calendar isn't to blame.  It's been full of "other" stuff.  The stuff that comes up that's not on your calendar.  Ya know, real life.  People, please tell me someone else knows what I'm talking about?

Awards we could have actually won in the last 3 months....
 

The "We Got This Far Without Killing Each Other" Award.

The "If There Was Candy Within 10 Feet of Me, I Ate It" Award.

The, "We Yell At Each Other Too Much, LOTS of Forgiveness Going on Around Here" Award.

The, "We're Living on the Least Amount of Sleep Possible" Award.

The, "I Listen to 80's Rock at Very High Volumes When I'm Stressed" Award.

The, "I Don't Know Where the Kids Are, But We're Going on a Date Any How" Award.

Life NOT on my calendar the past 3 weeks...

- My business got an unexpected phone call that our building had been sold.  Must be vacated in 30 days.  Huh?


- Next day, took a trip to Tulsa with 3 oldest kids.  Determined not to think about business.  Tell myself to be all present.  Maybe the man on the street corner would want to buy my business for $1.  I ask B to get out of the car and ask him.


- Niece comes to town for Spring Break.  Spends 2 weeks going back and forth from the Springs to Denver to confirm a genetic disorder SO RARE she'll never met another person who has it.  Say what?


- Realize Spring Break will be our last chance to see Elizabeth before she spends a month in India.  The last time?  I felt ok about this, until another well meaning mom says, "This is the hardest trip the kids take.  Seriously hard.  They come back so exhausted".  Hmmmmmmmmm, I contemplate if I should worry.


- Vocal Chord Dysfunction.  Well, it's a real thing and I guess we've ignored it long enough.  And since Elizabeth is tired of her vocal chords cutting off her breathing, we finally found a professor who specialized and treats it at the University of Tulsa.  I suppose it would be good for Elizabeth to be able to breath in India.  Yea, she agrees that would be good.

- Discouraging news comes for our other daughter.  I mean, an answer to prayer, sure.  Just not the one mom wanted to hear.  Blah.

 

- There were 3 trips to DIA.


- Are Billy and I still married?  Billy who?  We plan a weekend away on the calendar.  Smart.


- Why does the hot tub say 105, when it's really 55?  Dang.

- Who broke the dishwasher?  Who broke the sink?  Who broke the..........

- Finally got a day off!  Wait.  Spoke too soon.  Son decided to break his arm.  5 hours at the ER.

 

So....where am I going with all this....


TODAY, I realized that it's my 2 year WLS anniversary.  2 years!  And 15 months of that in maintenance.  Crazy.


I realized it at Total Body Workout class.


I was laying on my back, on the step...holding my feet off the ground doing flys with 5 lb weights...looking at the ceiling...keeping beat with Kelly Clarkson blarring....


And I had the thought, "Shanna, you just walked in here as easy as pie.  You weren't scared.  You didn't have a single thought of 'I can't do it' or 'I wish I could do it'.  You ARE doing it." 


And, in that moment, I literally cried.  Right there on my back.  In a room full of strangers.  Because it still feels like a miracle to me.


I would tell you more of my thoughts about WLS and what it feels like to be 100 lbs healthier...but...there's all that "other" stuff that's been on my mind.

Today, I hear God saying to my tender, overly sensitive heart...


I will supply all your needs -


Shanna, what do you need?


Sometimes, it takes a while to get to the heart of what you really need, what you are REALLY asking God for.  Like when you write 1,000 sentences to get to that 1 sentence that expresses what you are REALLY trying to say.  (Then you are suppose to erase everything else.  I didn't do that here.  Sorry).

At the root...I want to hear God tell me that there's a greater meaning to my work than looking for a new store front, and signing a new lease.  That it's more than just teaching a few kids how to play an instrument.  I still need His reassurance that I am in the right place, doing the right thing.  That my life work matters.


You are where you are suppose to be -

I made career compromises in order to have a large family.  Truth be told, 20 years ago, I didn't have a single thought about what I wanted to do with a degree in Performance Music.  What I had vision for was raising the next generation of Christian leaders.  I KNEW God was calling me to do that to my core.  And, I still do.  I will die not having done everything on my bucket list, but I will also know that I spent my time doing what was most important to me. 

Even when it doesn't feel like it, I  am for you, not against you -

Yes.  Shanna, breathe that in for the millionth time, why don't ya? 

Speak life over your situations -

This is a hard one for me.  Especially when I want to voice my disappointment and fear.  But once I've made myself miserable enough, I decide to submit to the Holy Spirit's leading.  I WILL COMMAND MY SOUL TO BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.

 

 

Rest in My presence -

If I'm honest, I've spent the better part of 20 years trying to figure out what exactly that means. 

Mostly because sitting in God's presence with my emotions doesn't feel restful to me. I end up saying, "Lord, what do you want me to DO?" 

I guess I'm not that great at resting.  So for now, I will consistently bring my heap of emotions into His presence.  And tell myself there - to be still.  And listen.  And, trust His peace to protect my heart.  And, well, adults, sometimes you just have to preach it to yourself.

This is my 2 Year Surgerversary...and this I know more deeply than ever...God holds my world in his hands as well as my life work - and regardless of what is happening or not happening He isn't taking it lightly.  He is my supply.  It is all His stage.  And like you, I want, I hope it all means something in the end.

In answer to the question, "What does the resurrection of Christ mean to you?", I say to a table of new friends today  RECUSE, HEALING AND FREEDOM.  I pray these things for my family every day as I walk my salvation out...that God would continue to recuse us, heal us, and set us free.  And, I'm so thankful that those things are as available to me today as they were when I first discovered them decades ago.  Grace.

If you are praying, searching, asking, feeling....you're in good company.  Keep going.



Blessings,

Prayer, Fear and Letting Go

Recently, my sweet college kid wrote this blog on why she isn't afraid to go to India.  I am happy to say, I am not the "loving mother" she refers too that asked why in the world she'd even WANT too go -- and I am in no way surprised to hear her say she is more preoccupied with feeling COMPASSION rather than FEAR.

Compassion can make a person do all kinds of  crazy things.  Believe me, I know.

***

The snow was piled above our heads today in Colorado.  I woke early and said good bye to B in order to spend the morning in the studio.  Some people spend their days listening to their favorite musicians.  I teach mine.

During a mid day break - I ran some errands.  I'm not even sure how the old CD got in my car but it was right there -- Around Your Throne by Ross Parsley.  I put it in, and along with the prayerful lyrics, I began to pray for my family.

Sometimes, prayer feels dry.

But, not today.  Today, I am keenly aware of  some prophetic authority wrapping my words -- and I just know I'm suppose to be saying them out loud.  They are accompanied with a knowing that my faith is activating something that I can't even see, or explain.

***

My little family has stepped out this year to do some new things, and I've felt particularly sensitive to the need to be praying for each of them.  We feel more broken than ever before.  More hungry for God's presence.  More willing to trust Him.

We believe He's gone before us in these new endeavors -- at least we are all hoping that He has.

As I drive, I pray that the 7 of us would grow in wisdom.  I ask God to establish the work of our hands.

I pray that the love that Jesus had for others -- would be the same heart my family members have for the people God brings across our path.

***

I'm not just talking when I pray.  I'm listening.

Real life situations and conversations from this past week tumble through my thoughts.

My Spirit hears things like....

I am the God of the humble.  I chooses to draw close to the broken hearted, the hungry, the thirsty. I am a friend to the weak.

I compassionately wash the feet of the weary.

God's kindness continues to draw me in, and change me.  Makes me want to be like Him.

***

At this point in the conversation -- I pray that my children will have an apostolic anointing -- that the compassion of Jesus would MOVE them to action -- that they would be powerful women and men of God TODAY and be willing to GO where ever God leads them -- to whom God leads them.  Oh that they be sensitive to His leading.

In this moment of prayer, whether that be a public platform here in America -- or a hut across the ocean with a hidden ministry of intercession makes no never mind to me.  It's their hearts I want to see changed.

Do you know what it cost me and Billy to follow Jesus with WILLING hearts?  Everything.

Do you know what it will cost our children?  The same.

***

It's on the heals of a hundred moments, a thousands days over the past 20 years, just like this one  -- times that in MY WILLING SURRENDER, I SURRENDER MY CHILDREN TO GOD WHO CREATED THEM FOR HIS PURPOSE (You know, that thing we say about how they aren't really ours?) -- that one of my kids will blow in the door and casually say something like, "Guess where I'm going to lead worship for a month this summer?  India."

"If you fulfill your calling, your children will fulfill theirs."  Patricia Bootsma

***

If you don't spend time praying for your children, that's another conversation.  But, listen sweet parent, WHO PRAYS...

What is the point of praying that your child would have COMPASSION only for you to recoil when they invite their gay, lonely friend over for dinner?

What is the point of praying that they'd be OBEDIENT to what God calls them to do, only to say NO WAY when it's going farther away -- or is more costly to them (and you) than you thought?

What is the point of praying a rebellious child would COME TO THE END OF THEMSELVES only to continually cushion the blow so much -- they're never aware they hit bottom?

And, well, a thousand other scenarios.

This is a part of learning to cooperate with the Holy Spirit not only in your own life, but in the growth of your child as well.

When your children surrender, obey, trust, sacrifice -- there is no greater joy.  AND, it is also your opportunity to let go of MORE -- surrender AGAIN -- obey willingly AGAIN (even if your body trembles) -- decide to trust no matter what AGAIN -- AGAIN there is sacrifice.

This is not to say that I don't have emotions like yours -- that our greatest nightmares as mother are not all similar.  It's not naivety that the rain doesn't actually fall on the just and the unjust.  I'm certainly not suggesting it is easy.  The Bible uses words like overcome -- and persevere.  And last I lived, I didn't have to overcome or persevere something that was cake.

But, this is the process by which God grows in me -- and how God grows in my children.  How we as a family become more like Jesus.  It doesn't matter if you are 19, or like me, turning 41 this weekend.  I imagine it to be the same at 60 and 80.

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, 

are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, 

which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.  2 Cor 3:18

Keep praying friend,

Midweek Love

This morning, I opened a file on my computer's desktop called, "Plan for the New Year, Leaping Forward in 2014." 

Do you remember your "word" for this year?  That one you prayerfully choose back in January?  I remember mine.  PROGRESS. 

I remember some of yours too. 

And, they inspired me to add the words "WITH HOPE AND PEACE".

One thing weight loss surgery taught me:  Living most of life ALL OR NOTHING isn't virtuous or helpful. 

If I don't lose all my weight in 2 weeks (which felt like 2 years), eating healthy is not worth it.

If my marriage doesn't feel good by Friday, I'm out.

If my budget doesn't work out the way I hoped for the 6th month in a row, forget it, I'm going on a shopping spree.  I'll be disciplined and pay off the debt some other day.

If I don't get the 'yes' today, it will probably never happen.

And, with that, we stay stuck.

Billy and I will admit that we've made a good handful of decisions over the course of our lives, that looking back seem...well...stupid. 

Like you, we've spent more than one sleepless night wrestling with thoughts like, "Why'd we quit"?  "Why'd we give in"?  "Why didn't we say yes?"  And, one of our most prevalent thoughts, "WHY ARE WE SO DUMB"?

We readily see our own limitations.  And, just for the record, the children whom we've birthed walk close enough to us to see our limitations too.  We can't keep them secret so it seems.

Shortly after opening the file this morning, I found myself in prayer.  Talking with a God whose Spirit lives in me and whose grace ABOUNDS to me.  For that I am sure.

He reminded me to RELY on HIS HELP. 

There is no one like you to help the powerless against the mighty. 2 Chron 14:11

 

Do not fear or be dismayed.  I will surely save you out of a distant place.  You will again have peace and security.  Jer 46:27

 

This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  2 Cor 1:8 - 11

 

Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit.  Zech 4:6

 

Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced.  Isa 50:7

And on and on it goes....

So, I shamelessly toss all my eggs in THAT basket.

Rereading Nehemiah, I notice he felt no difficulty in combining prayer and action. 

 

"After I looked thing over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, 'Don't be afraid of them.  Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."  4:14

 

 

It isn't too late you know?

 

To do some of those things on your list.  To step towards the One who put them on your heart in the first place.  To rely, to trust, to pray, to fight.

 

I finish reading Nehemiah, pondering my own draw to "rebuild the walls" -- the places "long devastated." 

 

B sends me a text, "I'm not giving up on the dreams God's put in our heart.  It took years to get from vision to adopt, to the actual adoption...I may be tired but I throw myself before my Father and practice trusting him, even when, especially when I don't see the answers..."

 

I smile.  I guess we're on the same page.  Hearing the same broadcast from Heaven this morning.

 

WE TRUST.

 

WE PRAY.

 

WE FIGHT.

 

We step towards God.  We step towards each other.

 

It's not time for you to give up either.

 

"Every secret, every shame
Every fear, every pain
Live inside the dark
But that's not who we are
We are children of the day
So wake up sleeper, lift your head
We were meant for more than this
Fight the shadows conquer death
Make the most of the time we have left."  Kari Jobe

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8cX6SHtxeE 

 

It's not all or nothing. 

 

Apart from Him I am nothing.  But He holds all things together.  He can over come even our stupidity, our naïve mistakes, our immaturity, our pain. Not just "those things" that happened to me in childhood, or the stupidness of my teen years before my frontal cortex was fully developed.  He overcomes the mistakes I made -- even last week.

He isn't a God who says 'you got yourself into this mess -- now dig yourself out.'  His grace, his help ABOUNDS to me. 

 

And with that, I shake off  a little more of what hinders and create more room for love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self control.  I create more room for God's Spirit to grow inside me.

 

Mid week love to you all dear friends!

 

Blessings,

 

 



On Fighting for Peace

Someone recently said to me in a whiny voice, "But, You and Billy have the perfect life."

Wha?

Listen friends, I'm big on gratitude...gratitude for all things...and being responsible for your own happiness...and self care...and living the life you want to live...and not whining...and well...all that jazz.  But seriously, the "perfect life" we have is news to me.  And, my facial expression to my friend said just that.

This has been said to me before you know.

Said to me -- ALWAYS -- on the day my car just got flat tire #2 in the same week, and I'd run right down and buy a new set -- only -- I'm still rebuilding the emergency fund I emptied on car repairs LAST month. The same day my child calls from another state with kidney stones...right before the principal calls from school around the corner saying my other child received a referral for being disrespectful and sarcastic to the sub (sarcastic?  Huh?)...followed by Eli walking in the door with yet another set of broken glasses...and we're all hungry and outta groceries because it's right about NOW I realize I've put too much on my business plate to even think about house keeping duties. And, looking around, that's been the case for quite awhile now.  I mean really, is Eli the ONLY second grader up until 10 pm just because his parents forget to put him to bed?

I'm not even joking people.

According to my mother, it's like Home Alone around here all.  the.  time.

But, maybe, that's what "perfect life" means to some people?!?!?!?!?!

I asked Billy once how in GOD'S GREEN EARTH do we give people the "perfect life impression"? Seriously, we are both happy to sit and discuss the finer points of our ACTUAL life with just about anyone who seems interested.  B just shrugged and said, "We must have VERY good attitudes."

***

The last 2 weeks have been weird for me.

Our studio added a few new classes for littles, which require a lot of prep work on my part, and a couple of new teachers, and new private clients, and throw in a couple of very fun little birthday parties......all while B was out of town...and my oldest was very ill...and well, the day mentioned above was a REAL DAY in the life of the RamFam just about two weeks ago.

And, the excitement of it all was just enough to throw off my internal rhythm.  The past couple of weeks, I've forgotten things I NEVER forget -- like to actually GO TO WORK!  Yikes!  When your student calls and says, "Are you coming"?  And, ya well, that's a sign my brain is over full and important things are spilling out.

I've had a physical feeling of excitement?  Nervousness?  Anxiousness?  Fear?  What the what?  It's been hard to put my finger on.  Like I just couldn't get my adrenaline to shut off.

It's affected my ability to eat (which 17 months post wls still requires concentration on my part).  It's affected my concentration...my ability to remember things OBVIOUSLY...and my sleep...thus making me feel MORE crazy.

I just haven't been able to shake the buzzy, zippy feeling associated with my perfect life.  So to speak.

I've talked to my family, asked and received help. I've required the RamFam teens to step up their contributions.  Including choosing to fly Hosanna to be with Liz during a minor surgery.

I've taken the time to MAKE sure I was eating well...taking my supplements...praying.

I've made sure I was not just on "Introvert Overload" and had some quite time.

I've prioritized things that bring me joy like being outside, reading.

I confessed to a friend, "Maybe it's just the pressure of owning my own business.  You know, like if I'm 'good' I make money.  And, if I suck, I don't. So...I ALWAYS have to be 'good'."

I went on a rampage to identify any and every stress inducing thought I might be having.  Frankly, there weren't many.  Yet, I spoke truth to myself.

My shaky feeling seems to be there whether or not I drink coffee, have long talks with college kid insuring she's o.k., or frankly when my emotional state is calm and holding all it's horses.

We googled, and self diagnosed and well, B is convinced it's just 'performance anxiety'.  I do music for a living, and  performance anxiety isn't foreign to me -- although unusual for me to experience the physical symptoms for so long.

So, we make some decisions.  Consolidate lesson plans for next week so there's more repetition and less to remember.  Ask another teacher to handle some of my private clients for awhile -- giving me a little more of a gap to catch my breath.  Commit to call my doctor early in the week...2 weeks in warrants a medical opinion.  Take a gap week before the official fall KM semester starts.  A gap week where I'm running at 50% (vs 300%).

And this morning, I spent quite time in prayer.  I reminded myself that I don't have to lead this shindig.  I just have to pray, try to hear the Holy Spirit and try to cooperate with what He says.  If He opens a door, and I walk through -- that's really all I have to do -- walk though it and do my thing. Do what I do.  He goes before me.  My powerful, good, brilliant, strong, capable God steps before me.

I trust.  I've done this before.  In fact, I've been brave and done things FAR MORE scary than growing my business...and leading large groups of parents in playing with their children.

I remind myself that my current decisions were made in peace.  And, if I made the decision to QUIT it would be out of fear.  And, I would REGRET that.  Maybe not right away, but I would regret it.

I write here.  Because it changes something in me.

I glance at the calendar.  I see a date, soon, where new teachers will take over my classes and I'll go back to "normal" duties.

The holidays will come -- and family will visit.  And Lizzie will come home. We'll cook healthy food AND unhealthy food.  There will be fudge.  My mama's fudge.  We'll wrap our modest gifts in amazing ways, go see lights and get on to the kids for fighting in the back seat.  And, we'll stand around the piano and sing carols -- because well -- everyone plays and everyone sings around here...and music is in this house when it's my job and when it's not my job.

We'll sled and ski -- and it'll be Spring before you know it and then Hosanna will graduate and kid #2 will move off to college....and well....even now this is me reminding myself to look up -- that my life is so much more than my job. And definitely more than just what I have to do THIS week.

Some things will go well.  Great even.  Some things will fail.  We'll keep some things and scratch some others.  And, that's the ebb and flow of it all.

And I look one more time at my busy schedule for the week and shrug and say, "It's JUST a lot of people to bless this week."

And, really, for a little business whose goal it is to simply make our city a more delightful place to live --

To make the burden of the single parent a little lighter
To make the day of the special needs child a little brighter
To take seriously the artisan soul
To raise up tomorrows worship leaders
To make learning the language of music the lovely thing it was always meant to be
To create
To help the young musician get from A to B
To nod yes to the prophetic parent who sees their child succeeding in their future
To create time and space for parents of littles to interact and love

To love.  To love.  To love

A goal to simply make our city a more delightful place to live -- a week to bless A LOT of people -- is really just that.  And, I am thankful.

And, I am momentarily relieved of my racing adrenaline -- and just feel peace.

And, well, peace is worth fighting for when it's necessary.  It's worth figuring out.  And asking for. And drawing near - because He is our Peace.  And then drawing near some more.  It's even worth a doctor's check up.

If you're there -- fighting for peace -- in the midst of your own "perfect life", you're not alone.  We are all pretty much a like.  In fact, you're in good company.  Great company really.  So, keep going.


Blessings and much peace to you friends,

Fall Play List - 2014

Sometimes, I write and I write....and it's all in an effort to find that one sentence....that one thing I'm actually trying to say.  Then, once I figure that out,  I can, for your sake, go back and erase everything else.  You're welcome.

I'm in a mood.  A disconnected, cranky, exasperated, not very happy, don't care if I tie all these random thoughts together into a cohesive blog mood.  A funk.

OR...I simply have the flu.

Either way.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

***

Here in the Ramfam home, we are currently in the THROES of the second week of going back-to-school
(not my favorite), and having the studio reopen with full time hours at the same time.

I don't know exactly why I find transition to be so hard.  Certainly, it's not the best time to come down with the flu.

While I lay in bed all day, My brain says, "Other families are going back to school.  Other people are going back to work after vacation.  And, making it look much easier than you are I might add".

Certainly, none of them EVER get the flu.  Or have any kind of momentary lapse of purpose or motivation. Or doubt.  Or find spaghetti sauce on the wall in the foyer and want to kill someone.

***

I remind myself that during times of high fever and coughing fits -- one probably shouldn't reevaluate one's whole life.  Perhaps my judgement is impaired by the cough medicine.

I remind myself to doubt my doubt.

*** 

During transitions (sickness aside), times where I have to let one thing go and embrace another, I have learned to prioritize self care the best I know how.  And, whereas I believe it's in my best interest to fight, if I must, to settle in to a new routine sooner rather than later...I try to handle my own emotions with kindness and gentleness.

When transitioning last Spring, I made a Play List of things to look forward too.  I am happy to say, it went pretty good.  Not exactly how I'd imagined, but that's ok.  That's real life too.

I did finish the front bathroom.  Although I choose the quick and easy route.  Doesn't look anything like my inspiration pictures.  But sometimes -- you just gotta get something done GOOD ENOUGH.  A year is too long to be working on redoing a bathroom.  I was over it.  A curtain with some tie backs, new rugs, new accessories -- for less than $100.  Good enough.

We did take an anniversary trip. To Breckenridge, a place I love, where we rode kayaks and bikes around town.  We will save Washington DC for another day and time I suppose.

I climbed the incline in 2 hours.  And we saw a few good movies.

But, contrary to how it may seem, checking things off my lists really isn't my sum total of how my life is going. Whether it's being lived well or not.

For fall, I tossed around some ideas.  I still want to paint my book shelves and revamp my Thanksgiving decorations.

I mean sort of I do.  But right now, there is something tossing inside me more.  There is this....

Shanna, just love people in this season.  And accept their love in return.  

And, right now, this feels like enough. 

And, know I say this is "enough" with an OVER FLOWING to do list.  More "new projects" for work and ministry than I can fathom.  Many areas that need a break through.  Many reasons to be brave.  Many things that require me to try it just one more time.  

I say this in the midst of time sensitive tasks and people depending on me...people expecting of me...and people wanting from me.  

And, I say this in the midst of PLENTY OF MUNDANE things as well.  Healthy meals that still need to be planned, shopped for (with coupons), prepped, prepared.  The gym -- still calls my name -- and I will answer.  I will "fit in" math homework, and reading to Eli, and yard work, and doing the monthly budget. Just.  Like. You.

I don't imagine fall and a season of  "just loving" to be quiet, or slow, or uncrowded for myself, my family or our calendar.

But I hope that I can be.  On the inside.  Because my FOCUS can just be LOVING WELL and RECEIVING LOVE WELL...not on my grand effort.  And, at the end of the day, I believe that will be enough.      

At least, I'm hoping so.  In this season, I am hoping for healing, and meaning, and inspiration, and joy and relationships for me and my family members that mean something at the end of it all.  And hoping to share some of that with others as well.

And, that's all I'm really trying to say.  

Well, that and the fact that B says some of the color has finally returned to my face.  :)

Selah.

Blessings,

Prioritizing Self Care

People occasionally misinterpret when I talk about prioritizing taking care of ones self.

I think it's my accent.

I get some, "I REALLY WISH I was in that stage of life."  Or, "Maybe once I wrap up this responsibility or that one, I'll be able to think about what I need."  Etc Etc.

I preach that preparation for any long term endeavor is key.  But, that aside, the spirit behind the rebuttals above is that self care (especially for a parent) is equivalent to moving a mountain.

It's not.

It only FEELS like moving a mountain.

Mostly, because...it's simply...not a habit.

Flossing my teeth each morning is my habit.  I don't think about it.  It requires no mental or emotional energy from me.  It's not even a thought in my brain.  UNTIL I'm out of floss.  Then, I prioritize going to the store to buy some (because not having it is unacceptable) and once I return, I am able to get right back on autopilot in regards to my dental care.

Habits are easy.

When we are in the process of creating NEW habits, it's hard.

But worth it.

Prioritizing self care for me hasn't meant I've stopped caring for my family.  Have you met my family of 7?  They can ALL be demanding.  They can have little thought of making demands of me, and frankly, I'm up for it.  I can move fast, multi task, organize, go the extra mile -- and have no fear of looking them in the eye and saying "no" when I want too.  Their intensity works for me.  I love it.  I love them.

Prioritizing self care hasn't stopped me from caring for them, but it has CHANGED the WAY I care for them.

Let me give you some real life examples.

Weight loss surgery has made me no less in love with mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and hot steamy rolls.  So...I simply DON'T COOK THEM.  Last night's dinner was a lovely grilled pork chop with a side of steamed broccoli/carrots/zucchini.  That's it.

When my teens gave me that look, you know, the one that says, "Is there anything else?", I sweetly answer no.  This is NOT only healthy (and self care) for me.  I remind myself that the way I eat is healthy for them as well.

If my family member had an addiction to alcohol, I wouldn't mix up margarita's at home for fun -- even though -- I think an adult beverage from time to time is fine.  If my husband had come in to our marriage with an addiction to porn, I would be extra sensitive to what movies, magazines, etc that I brought in to our house.  The meal choice above simply shows the same consideration of myself.

I don't buy Oreo cookies.  I don't buy them even though Billy loves them and doesn't have "the same issues with food as I do."  I don't buy ice cream "for the kids".   BECAUSE I'M NOT CURED OF MY FATNESS AND WOULD EAT IT LIKE CRAZY.  Prioritizing what I need in this regard means my family is along for the ride.  Just like I am for them.  And that's healthy in a lot of ways -- for all of us.

We still have ice cream by the way.  We eat it at the ice cream store.  We enjoy a "kiddie size" serving and then come home.  I am a food addict.  I can't live with temptation staring me in the face 24/7 -- and I shouldn't have too.  Not anymore than any other addict should have too.  My desire for a Little Debbie at 10 pm is just as strong as it used to be.  The difference  is now it is my habit not to buy them.  When I walk to my pantry -- there is NOTHING THERE expect some raw almonds.  They aren't near as fun.

Another real life example....

I have a day of running errands, having lunch with a friend...I come home and think, "I need to work out, but the kids have been home alone most of the day.  It wouldn't be right for me to leave them for another hour and 1/2".

Now that I prioritize my needs as well as theirs, I may say something like, "We are going for a walk.  Go get on your shoes."  Kids say back, "We don't want to go on a walk!"  I say, "We're not going for you.  We are going for me.  Plus I want to spend time with you.  Now, GET ON YOUR SHOES."  Again, THIS IS ACTUALLY HEALTHY FOR ALL OF US.

Moms not used to self care have thoughts like this, "My tennis shoes are 3 years old.  I could really use another pair.  Infact, I bet I'd be more motivated to work out if I bought a new pair of tennis shoes, some new socks and a cute work out outfit."  Their next thought goes, "I can't do that right now.  School starts in a month and all these kids will need new shoes and new clothes."  And, they dutifully let that be the end all be all.

All parents make self sacrifices.  And some of this is good and right.  But consistently doing it over the course of 20 years, means the kids grow up fine (probably) while mom and dad are a wreck.  It means DEVALUING CARING FOR YOURSELF has actually become your habit.   It's easy to do.  You can put yourself last on autopilot.

But that's not best for anyone in the long run.  And, it's not how I want my kids to parent my future my grandchildren.  I want my kids to learn to care for themselves in the future while naturally bringing their children along with them on the journey.

The fight feels real...but when you have break through in an area here and there...even the smallest victories...the feeling that accompanies it is so worth it!

You are worth it!

And, you can do it.

Blessings,

A Mother's Day Card 2014

People often tell me how great my dad was.

Often.

Weekly - if not daily.

I guess a lot of you really liked him.

I get it.

He was very likable.

For the uninitiated, he was killed in a car accident 14 year ago.

It would surprise many to know though that I actually don't have 10 memories of him.

I asked my mom once recently, "Where was he?"

She simply replied, "He was just gone all the time."

***

Let me tell you what I do remember.

I remember my mom read me this book over, and over and over....

And this one...

And this one...

And this one...

And I am still an avid reader today.  And so are my children.

I remember getting lots of gifts from my mom that included....

I remember that she was a very good colorer.  

She made very small crayon strokes and stayed "in the lines" crazy good.

Admittedly, I don't value staying in the lines in quite the same way, I still crave creative activity.  I like having paint all over my hands, making things, and drawing.  Crayons, markers and fingerpaints still make me happy and I prioritize creative activities in my life.  My children do too.

Even when I just know, looking back, she was as poor as dirt, she made sure I had one of these...

And one of these....

And one of these....

And eventually these.....

I really can't even imagine how she paid for it.

Some of my earliest and most pleasant memories involved riding in the car and singing 2 part harmonies with my parents or my grandparents...my mom always the alto.

And, I not only make my living with these still today...I create jobs and employ others to do it as well.  When recently asked if one of my daughters could "play", I smiled and replied, "All my kids can actually."

Every.  Single.  Year.  She scraped and saved and took us on vacation here...

With friends I still enjoy being in relationship with today.

She was the first to take me to do this...

And for a kid whose unknown love language was Quality Time, 

with a dad who was gone tending to others all the live long day -- these trips she planned were a life line for  me.  And, she probably didn't even know it then.

I remember moments where she laughed til she cried.  

She had bionic ears.  Especially when she was suppose to be asleep.

She loved my dad.  Enjoyed her friendship with him.  Maybe that being the single greatest contribution ever made to me..and to my marriage...and to Elizabeth, Hosanna, Benjamin, Victoria and Eli.

She knew me better than I realized she did.

One day after discussing the possibility of marrying my pre-Billy boyfriend she simply said, "Shanna, I don't think you love him.  In fact, considering the way you treat him, I don't even think you like him!"  Gets a young girl thinking.  And, well again, Billy and I are grateful...as well as Elizabeth, Hosanna, Benjamin, Victoria and Eli.  ;)

She taught me how to wield sarcasm and speak in movie lyrics.  Without which my family would have a lot less communication.

She taught me not to take myself so seriously. 

Sure, I would occasionally get a card from my dad, but now that I'm a wife and mother, I'd bet a million dollars on the fact that it was my mom who had actually bought the card and told him to sign it.  That's not a knock on my dad, but let's just say, I've bought more than one girl card and told B what he needed to do with it.

I remember beautifully wrapped Christmas gifts.

You would have NEVER seen this sort of simplicity under my moms Christmas tree.

You would never have seen cheap paper -- with Mikey Mouse or Snowmen.

Making the presentation of the gift exquisite, with the perfect hand tied bow, was important in my household -- it was a part of the the gift.  She didn't know how to say it, words weren't her thing.  But she was trying to express to us our value.  I get it now.

Gifts were her love language.

To this day, I love wrapping my gifts in beautiful ways too.  

Don't even try to bring cheap wrapping paper up in my house.  My kids don't like it either.  And hospitality in all it's forms for me, means expressing to you your value.  And, I teach my kids that too.

Never once received or wanted one of these...

Our Easter Baskets were custom built.  Every item thoughtful.

She didn't let me quit things.  And, whereas I believe there is a time to quit some things...the ability to not give up saved my life in regards to turning my health around this past year.  I see the same determination and "stay steady" attitude in my children.

In our adult life, she's not given up in the midst of her own devastating struggles.  And she's taught me that loving your family is good.  And forgiving yourself is paramount.  

She's always valued nice clothing -- and made sure I had all the things I needed growing up.  I took that for granted.

On Friday, I got a card and a check in the mail from her.  The card said FOR VACATION CLOTHES.  YOU'RE A SUPERSTAR.

Still making sure I have nice things.  Still planning vacations for her family.

Today it's not wasted on me.  

For all the Billy Touchton fans out there, again, I'm not knocking my dad.  I am mostly just saying my mom lived in his shadow.  And, today, I thought I'd give her the respect she deserved.

My dad had the luxury of having really good, Godly parents.  My mom didn't.  And the latter she had to ascend to become more, better -- to rise above that which she was taught to her and to learn that which was not demonstrated in her own growing up household far exceed his.  

And she did well.

"She watches over the affairs of her household

    and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 

Her children arise and call her blessed;

    her husband also, and he praises her:

29 

“Many women do noble things,

    but you surpass them all.”

30 

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

31 

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

Proverbs 31:27-31

Love you mom!