My 2 Year Gastric ByPass Surgerversary and Other More Important Things on My Mind

The past 90 days have been crazy full stupid full insanely full  unusually full, but our calendar isn't to blame.  It's been full of "other" stuff.  The stuff that comes up that's not on your calendar.  Ya know, real life.  People, please tell me someone else knows what I'm talking about?

Awards we could have actually won in the last 3 months....
 

The "We Got This Far Without Killing Each Other" Award.

The "If There Was Candy Within 10 Feet of Me, I Ate It" Award.

The, "We Yell At Each Other Too Much, LOTS of Forgiveness Going on Around Here" Award.

The, "We're Living on the Least Amount of Sleep Possible" Award.

The, "I Listen to 80's Rock at Very High Volumes When I'm Stressed" Award.

The, "I Don't Know Where the Kids Are, But We're Going on a Date Any How" Award.

Life NOT on my calendar the past 3 weeks...

- My business got an unexpected phone call that our building had been sold.  Must be vacated in 30 days.  Huh?


- Next day, took a trip to Tulsa with 3 oldest kids.  Determined not to think about business.  Tell myself to be all present.  Maybe the man on the street corner would want to buy my business for $1.  I ask B to get out of the car and ask him.


- Niece comes to town for Spring Break.  Spends 2 weeks going back and forth from the Springs to Denver to confirm a genetic disorder SO RARE she'll never met another person who has it.  Say what?


- Realize Spring Break will be our last chance to see Elizabeth before she spends a month in India.  The last time?  I felt ok about this, until another well meaning mom says, "This is the hardest trip the kids take.  Seriously hard.  They come back so exhausted".  Hmmmmmmmmm, I contemplate if I should worry.


- Vocal Chord Dysfunction.  Well, it's a real thing and I guess we've ignored it long enough.  And since Elizabeth is tired of her vocal chords cutting off her breathing, we finally found a professor who specialized and treats it at the University of Tulsa.  I suppose it would be good for Elizabeth to be able to breath in India.  Yea, she agrees that would be good.

- Discouraging news comes for our other daughter.  I mean, an answer to prayer, sure.  Just not the one mom wanted to hear.  Blah.

 

- There were 3 trips to DIA.


- Are Billy and I still married?  Billy who?  We plan a weekend away on the calendar.  Smart.


- Why does the hot tub say 105, when it's really 55?  Dang.

- Who broke the dishwasher?  Who broke the sink?  Who broke the..........

- Finally got a day off!  Wait.  Spoke too soon.  Son decided to break his arm.  5 hours at the ER.

 

So....where am I going with all this....


TODAY, I realized that it's my 2 year WLS anniversary.  2 years!  And 15 months of that in maintenance.  Crazy.


I realized it at Total Body Workout class.


I was laying on my back, on the step...holding my feet off the ground doing flys with 5 lb weights...looking at the ceiling...keeping beat with Kelly Clarkson blarring....


And I had the thought, "Shanna, you just walked in here as easy as pie.  You weren't scared.  You didn't have a single thought of 'I can't do it' or 'I wish I could do it'.  You ARE doing it." 


And, in that moment, I literally cried.  Right there on my back.  In a room full of strangers.  Because it still feels like a miracle to me.


I would tell you more of my thoughts about WLS and what it feels like to be 100 lbs healthier...but...there's all that "other" stuff that's been on my mind.

Today, I hear God saying to my tender, overly sensitive heart...


I will supply all your needs -


Shanna, what do you need?


Sometimes, it takes a while to get to the heart of what you really need, what you are REALLY asking God for.  Like when you write 1,000 sentences to get to that 1 sentence that expresses what you are REALLY trying to say.  (Then you are suppose to erase everything else.  I didn't do that here.  Sorry).

At the root...I want to hear God tell me that there's a greater meaning to my work than looking for a new store front, and signing a new lease.  That it's more than just teaching a few kids how to play an instrument.  I still need His reassurance that I am in the right place, doing the right thing.  That my life work matters.


You are where you are suppose to be -

I made career compromises in order to have a large family.  Truth be told, 20 years ago, I didn't have a single thought about what I wanted to do with a degree in Performance Music.  What I had vision for was raising the next generation of Christian leaders.  I KNEW God was calling me to do that to my core.  And, I still do.  I will die not having done everything on my bucket list, but I will also know that I spent my time doing what was most important to me. 

Even when it doesn't feel like it, I  am for you, not against you -

Yes.  Shanna, breathe that in for the millionth time, why don't ya? 

Speak life over your situations -

This is a hard one for me.  Especially when I want to voice my disappointment and fear.  But once I've made myself miserable enough, I decide to submit to the Holy Spirit's leading.  I WILL COMMAND MY SOUL TO BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.

 

 

Rest in My presence -

If I'm honest, I've spent the better part of 20 years trying to figure out what exactly that means. 

Mostly because sitting in God's presence with my emotions doesn't feel restful to me. I end up saying, "Lord, what do you want me to DO?" 

I guess I'm not that great at resting.  So for now, I will consistently bring my heap of emotions into His presence.  And tell myself there - to be still.  And listen.  And, trust His peace to protect my heart.  And, well, adults, sometimes you just have to preach it to yourself.

This is my 2 Year Surgerversary...and this I know more deeply than ever...God holds my world in his hands as well as my life work - and regardless of what is happening or not happening He isn't taking it lightly.  He is my supply.  It is all His stage.  And like you, I want, I hope it all means something in the end.

In answer to the question, "What does the resurrection of Christ mean to you?", I say to a table of new friends today  RECUSE, HEALING AND FREEDOM.  I pray these things for my family every day as I walk my salvation out...that God would continue to recuse us, heal us, and set us free.  And, I'm so thankful that those things are as available to me today as they were when I first discovered them decades ago.  Grace.

If you are praying, searching, asking, feeling....you're in good company.  Keep going.



Blessings,

Gastric Bypass Surgery - 18 month update (3 months late)

In October, I passed the 18 month mark after having Gastric Bypass Surgery in April of 2013.  I have lost 99.5 lbs, and am holding steady 8.5 lbs BELOW my surgeons goal weight.


I saw my doctor for blood work and to make a long story short -- my numbers couldn't be more perfect.  I'm off all meds, and in the doctors words, "healthy".  She followed up with a sincere, "Shanna, you made it." 


I also saw the behavioral therapist for a quick check in.  I'm sure she's called something else -- a fancy medical name, but I can't remember what it is.  Regardless, she's nice.  And, I'm a fan of counseling.  A good counselor is worth their weight in gold in fact.  Everyone could benefit from having one in their life.


She asks me some questions on just how "worried" I am that I might gain the weight back.  Well, I say fairly sure, "The thought crosses my mind at least once or twice a day."  Therapist, "Do the thoughts you have cause you to not be able to function in your day to day life"?  Me, "Uh, no.  I have 5 kids and one is adopted and blind -- the rest are teenagers.  I have a busy husband, a relationship with Jesus...friends...I run a business.  I have people who work for me, people in training, accounts payable, receivable, kids going to sports, music lessons, play practice and poetry readings.  I occasionally clean my house."  I smile.  I say, "All that is just to say, my life REQUIRES that I function.  I'm pretty good at focusing my thoughts, telling myself the truth, keeping a good attitude, having faith, and persevering.  You know, FUNCTIONING.  I'm good at functioning.  At this point I'm thinking that 'non functioning' would be a little like a vacation, you know?"


She smiles and asks questions about my doctors take on my weight loss.  How I've determined my goal weight and what "wiggle room" I have according to how I know my weight fluctuates.  She asks about my families response.  She listens to me whine about the well meaning people who regularly tell me I could "weigh even less" or "be even smaller."


Me, "It feels like I've been on this wild airplane ride, and about now I'm looking for where I should land.  I guess that's my real question.  Where do I land?" 

Therapist smiles and says, "You don't land, you just stay on the journey."

She ends with, "No matter what happens, even if you gain weight back, you KNOW HOW to lose weight now.  You know the rhythm of food preparation, eating healthy, and exercise.  No one can ever take that away from you."

And, I breathe deep -- and leave her office to return to all my functioning.

***

This season has raised questions for me like when do you decide you like the number on the scale and are now free to enter MAINTEANCE mode?  For some, the answer is obvious, but when you've NEVER MAINTAINED ANY WEIGHT -- always gaining or losing -- the ground that answer lies on feels a little squishy. 

And, am I really free to decide that anyhow?  Or is there some secret obligation to let other people's opinions decide for me?  I mean really, honest question, is there?

Questions surface like, will there be those people  who just forever and always try to influence me to lose more weight?   Seriously.  Tell me.  WILL THERE BE CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO JUST AWLAYS DO THIS?  By "people", of course, I mean other women.   And, well, is this how all women who have healthy weights (and good numbers on blood reports) yet don't have perfect bodies feel all the time???  Does this exhaust everyone or is that just me?  I'd like to rest knowing that I'll eventually be able to shake all the YOU SHOULDS, YOU COULDS, IF ONLY YOU WOULDS off, but as I listen to others talk, I'm not convinced we ever do.  I hope we do.  I hope I do.  We shall see......

***

My big revelation of this season has been that losing 100 lbs hasn't cured me 100% of fat thinking.

This past weekend, we had enough CAKE left over from a piano recital to feed a small country.  B says, "Let's throw it away."  I say, "No, let's take it home to Benjamin."  So, innocent.  So stupid.

Bless my heart.

Fortunately, B followed up with, "No, let's throw it away.  I don't want it in the house."  Mature of him.  We went home cakeless.

Whereas I am pro eating for pleasure every once in a while, a recovering alcoholic doesn't keep margarita's in the fridge just for "everyone else" -- and frankly -- the family members of an alcoholic don't need it either.  And, I'm kinda like that.  And, so is my family.  A recovering food-aholic....sugar-aholic.  And, I know there's a difference between a piece of cake in my fridge and a box of leftover cake that could fill a VW bug. 

I sooooooo know that.  But, again, I'm not cured.

Keeping THAT in mind, is important in this stage of the game apparently. 

I am well aware that my best defense against gaining my 100 lbs back is too do the following, a short set of "rules" I have for myself......

1.  Keep my environment as free of temptation as necessary.  And, after the holiday months, "necessary" would mean COMPLETELY FREE OF TEMPTATION.  I need an environment at home where I can not fail.

2.  Avoid restaurants.  The food almost always makes me feel terrible, and well, it replaces the nutrition I could be putting in my body.  DEFENSE for eating food I shouldn't -- to EAT THE FOOD I SHOULD.

3.  Have convenience foods on hand.  For me this includes Advocare Berry Meal Replacement Shakes, Spark, Protein Bars, Greens, Diced Veggies, Avocado, and Cooked Protein.

4.  Move my body.  Bodies were made to move.  I am happier when I am moving. 

And, well, that's it. 

***

I don't always have time to prepare a week's worth of meals for my family of 7 on the weekends.  This weekend included my 41st birthday, 2 piano recitals, and 2 birthday parties.  Throw in errands, kids and church -- and I really just didn't want to stand in the kitchen for 2 hours cooking.  So...I didn't.

However, in order for my week to go the best it can -- I still needed to prepare SOMETHING.

So,on the way out the door to church, in the spirit of rule #3 above, I put a pork tenderloin in the crock pot with some lemon pepper.  I laid 1/2 of a spaghetti squash on top of the tenderloin and seasoned it with salt and pepper.  I wrapped a couple of seasoned chicken breasts in foil and tossed them on top as well. Threw the switch on high and let the machine do it's thing.

Later that evening, I shredded the pork and the squash. I browned 4 lbs lean beef that I'll use for chili and tacos later this week.

And, that's the extent of it.  Less than 30 minutes of prep this weekend.  But it will benefit me and my family GREATLY this week. 

Dinners are simple.  Shredded pork tenderloin and steamed green beans.  Chili with beef and beans...ladled over a bed of organic greens.  Sautéed peppers and onion, with sliced chicken over the spaghetti squash.  When the protein is prepared, it's easy to toss together a quick lunch.  And, well, snacks around here (for me AND the kids) are actually small meals.  Real food.

And, thus, my functioning.

And I'm so thankful for it.  Thankful the time has passed so quickly, healing has been so powerful and that all I've learned as been such a surprising blessing to me! 

I love that I've gotten the chance to do this, and I love walking along side others as they embark or just continue on their own journey towards optimal health and healing...however that fleshes out for them. 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  2 Cor 1:3-4

 

 

Blessings,

 

Gastric Bypass Surgerversary - Year 1

Not too long ago, a friend asked in regards to my weight loss, "What.  Are.  You.  Doing?"

Me, "I TOLD you.  I had weight loss surgery."

Friend, "Ok, but that doesn't make you put healthy food in your mouth or drag your butt to the gym every day.  SO.  WHAT.  ARE.  YOU.  DOING?"

I can't really describe it.

But, it was an empowering moment for me for sure.

I am doing something good for my health.

I am capable of doing something good for my health.

And, on my 1 year surgerversary, I am holding steady at the goal weight set for me by my surgeon.

This I have come to know, a lifestyle change is a MIND change.  I needed all kinds of help changing my mind -- and a year later I STILL need all kinds of help.  Proof that one doesn't heal from addiction or obesity quickly.

Here are some reflections from the past year:

It's more about what I put in my body -- than what I keep out.

I feel amazing most days.  My energy level is high, I sleep better.  My best defense against eating things I should not eat -- is to actually eat the things I should.  Putting healthy, whole foods into my body matters.

It requires a lot of planning, and prepping.

I attempt to eat 5 meals a day.  Every 3 hours.  My calories MOSTLY come from healthy fats, protein and vegetables.  But, I also eat some carbohydrates and fruit.  And coffee.  Don't forget coffee.

It's mostly about what I can do -- not about what I can't have.

I enjoy (you read that right, enjoy) at least 1,000 minutes of exercise a month.  I don't have the time for it.  I make the time for it.

I've climbed to the top of Pulpit Rock.  I've skied Monarch.  I've walked in to new classes at the Y, with the "fit" people and held my own.  I've ran a 5k and PR'd my best time ever.

I love aerobics, and Pilates, and being on the treadmill.  I enjoy hiking and walks with Billy.  I love swimming and planking and wall sits.  Most recently, I've started doing an At-Home-Cross Fit routine. I look forward to trying a class this summer!

LISTS of new things I want to try and measurable goals are important to me.  I put things on my calendar -- for the shear pleasure of looking forward to them.

It's not all or nothing -- in life, or in weight loss.

Life doesn't go in a straight line.  I use to feel bad about that.  Like there was something wrong with me.

Now, I just know, no one's life goes in a straight line.

And, neither does weight loss.  I've had weeks where I've lost nothing, and weeks where I've gained.

The scale isn't ALWAYS an accurate reflection of my hard work.  The theory of calories in less energy expended = weight loss isn't always apparent.  However, if I'd given up...if I'd started eating junk or quit working out -- where would I be?

And, that attitude, friends, is far more difficult to maintain than it is to type.

I expect to say it to myself a lot in year 2.

Stay the course Shanna.  Stay.  The.  Course.

So, what's in store for year 2?

There are stages and ups and downs associated with weight loss surgery.  I expect year 2 to be more challenging.  Because my surgeon has told me it's going to be.

It's about growth -- not just loss.

So for year 2....

I have registered with the National Council of Certified Personal Trainers and am currently working on becoming certified.

Did I just say that?

The course work is ENORMOUS.  SO.  MUCH.  TO.  LEARN.

But I imagine working with the morbidly obese to be meaningful, healing work for me in the future.  People are capable of so much more than they believe.

I can't lay it all out here, but I plan to join up with a friend and do some work with a company that promotes health, wellness and weight loss.

I can't believe I said that either, but I know I believe in this.  I believe that calories from good nutrition matters versus just getting  or even counting calories.  And, I am looking forward to telling you all about what I'm learning.

In year two, I'm going to run a Mud Run, Hike the Incline and Climb a 14'er.  I'm gonna to weigh less, and try (try) to trust my choices more.

I've going to reach out and love more people.  Take a few more risks.  And continue finding healthy options to feed my body...as well as my spirit and mind.

Before, 267 lbs

1

Down 96.5 lbs

Pulpit Rock

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  Proverbs 13:12

Greater things are yet to come.

Blessings,

Thoughts on Hunger

Maybe I should include a warning here.  A warning to the effect that I've been sick all day.  And sickness has forced me to take it easy in the easy chair.  And this is my attempt to still be productive...with medicine head.

  

What Happens When I have  Time to Think - or Rather When I Don't Have Time to Think

by Shanna Ramsdell

My life granted me a blessing this past holiday season.  It granted me time to think.

I went years without time to think.  YEARS.   An entire season when my children were small and my days were filled to over flowing.  Schedules, diapers, two am feedings, a husband who worked late, not enough money, people -- too many -- needing some type of ministering too which felt all too important every single waking hour, and the constant pressure of making sure a house, slammed full of little people had creative, learning activities going all the time so they weren't watching TV.  My life often felt like a run on sentence.

Possibly, I didn't know I needed time to think.  I made time to pray.  I made time to read.  I made time to study so I could finish college.  I made time for all the needy people.  I made a few precious moments available for friends -- who weren't needy people -- just normal people that loved me.  I made all the time in the world for the needs of 4 small children -- but I didn't make time to think.

So this holiday season, I read Bread and Wine and spent time thinking about HUNGER.  MY HUNGER.

It became apparent to me that I hunger in many ways, for many things.  I am hungry for not just large amounts of food, I see that now.  I am also hungry for new experiences, rich relationships, creative endeavors and passionate experiences.  All that, I set on the back burner for many years, to feed others.  And, I fed all my various hungering with the same old thing, OVER AND OVER -- the one thing that was easily accessible during that crazy, chaotic season of life.  Food.

In the days before my surgery, I confessed to Billy, I feared if I gave up food -- there would be nothing else in my life that was enjoyable.  My brain knew that couldn't be true.  I see my children living rich, living deep, enjoying -- and not over eating.  I see that Billy goes day after day without needing sweets -- several times a day -- and maintains a healthy weight.  I knew it was a lie.  On paper it didn't make sense -- but I also knew it was real in my emotions, in my imagination.

You know the story in the Bible about Abraham and Isaac?  The one where God asks Abraham to slay Isaac.  Well at the risk of letting my imagination get carried away here -- that's how surgery was for me.  When God asked me to surrender the last 2 chicken nuggets on my plate, I wanted to do it -- with all my heart -- but my hand shook with fear every time I tried.  I just couldn't make my body line up.

So...I asked a surgeon to help me do it.  I handed him the knife so to speak.

During my first week of recovery, I had such a deep feeling one afternoon -- that I was now living naked. No buffer -- nothing to make a hard day easier -- and a momentary panic set in.  I said out loud, "People shouldn't live this exposed!"  I decided to just take a breath and continue on...

Yes, I'm living naked.  (That's gonna be the title of my book.)

And, as a result I've been FORCED to find other things that are enjoyable.  And to prioritize nourishing my self in all the ways I find I need nourishment.

God help the person that touches my fuzzy socks.  I NEED my fuzzy socks.

I MUST have a good book.

If I have to forgo the light bill (figuratively speaking) to go to the store for avocados, sweet chili rice cakes, crystal light grape energy, and olive oil.  I will  do it.  Because the things I like are just as important as the things everyone else in this house likes.

I hike on the weekends.  I dream.  I think.  I blog.

I talk.  I feel and say what I feel -- and then tell myself -- it's only a feeling.  It's only anger.  It's only sadness.  It's only loneliness.  It's only whatever.  I don't need to mask it with cookies.  Feelings change.  They go away.  They can be dealt with.

For my birthday, we went skiing...because I really wanted too.

I sit in the hot tub some nights when it's cold out but the full moon is bright.

Don't touch my water bottles.  I love my water bottles like they are one of my children.  Victoria said she thinks I love my water bottles more than my children.  I say they are equal.

Don't touch my music.  I love it and it's important.

Sometimes, I'm happy to drive you to that thing -- and forgo a hot bath at 10 pm because you just REALLY want to fit in that extra prayer meeting.

But, sometimes, if you don't have a ride -- the answer is no -- because I need an evening to be quiet and think.  Thinking is super important.  For some of us anyways.  

I'm knitting a scarf.  I'm painting the front bathroom for the 4th time -- and I'm happy about it -- just go with it.  

I spend a day cooking.  SURE, HARDLY EVER -- but when I do, it's because I want too -- and then I spend 10 straight days not cooking because I want too.

Some days, I plan all these things -- and I rotate them in 45 minute intervals.  BECAUSE that's how I feel.

Some days, I lay in bed with p.j.'s on and read -- all day.  

I wear make up when I want too -- and I forgo it when I want too.  Frankly, I feel great either way.

I've never been a size small.  My mom and my sister are.  But, I'm like my dad.  A large -- even on my skinnest day.  Growing up, I felt bad about this.

I don't any more.  

Don't hear me wrong.  I'm not a member of the "Fat is Beautiful" Club.  Obese is unhealthy -- anyway you want to see it.

Right now though, I am a member of the "Beautiful is Beautiful" Club -- and I believe that in my life I get to say what's beautiful and what is not.  The girls in my house happen to think that "Comfortable is Beautiful" most days. I wasn't comfortable in an obese body.  But, I didn't know to say that I wasn't comfortable -- because uncomfortable was my normal.  So, I just said in my young heart that I wasn't beautiful and that there was nothing I could do about it.  My trajectory was off.

95 lbs downs and life is turning another corner.  Most days aren't about what I can't eat.  They are actually about what I need to eat.  What do I need to nourish MY body?  The revelation of nourishing myself or feeding my hunger in a variety of ways -- is as new and startling to me as if I'd discovered treasure.  It's about what I put in -- NOT just what I keep out.  What I'm called too, not what I'm called to stay away from.

I feel new.

Right now we are learning to shoulder more -- to carry more -- but it oddly feels lighter.

Thankful for a sweet season.

For kids growing well, who are rightly connected to their parents -- and seem to enjoy a spacious place to live and grow and decide.

For a husband who is in his right mind.  Who is back to loving well.  

For a business that grows -- and allows me to a flexible schedule.  And sick days.

For ministry that's become richer as we've stopped feeling the pressure to have all the right answers.

And for time to think.

Praying for a year of healing for my family.

Thankful for progress.

Living naked isn't as bad as I thought.

Blessings....

Weighing in on Weight Loss Surgery - Part III

Many months ago, at the beginning of 2012, I wrote a few blogs documenting my first steps and thoughts towards having weight loss surgery.  I briefly published them, only to have 101 total strangers email me about buying their weight loss products.  I took the blogs down, because, I mean really -- who cares?  Truth be told though, since having surgery 11 months ago, I've come in contact with MANY people who care -- MANY people who are in the midst of their own journey.  So, if your interested, here's post #3 of mine.  If you want, you can catch up on  post #1 and post #2 here....

So, what's next on the "Preparing for Weight Loss Surgery" docet?

Here's my real life list of things to do before having my stomach amputated on April 2nd.  :)

1.  Find a support group

2.  Call a therapist.  Tell her EVERY. SINGLE. CRAZY. DETAIL. OF.  MY.  ENTIRE.  LIFE.  If I'm beyond help in this area, I should know it now.

3.  Checkout Over Eaters Anonymous.  I mean seriously, why not?

4.  Stop allowing my brain to use the word 'disappointment'.  I am NOT a disappointment. Get a new appointment.

5.  Continue to count it ALL loss for the sake of knowing Christ more.

And, you know what, my issues with weight HAVE opened the door for me to know Christ more (as any issue can).  I have greater empathy for others. I can spot the outcast and draw them in in a heartbeat.  Yes, I have passion for brownies, but that passion carries over to lots of other things in my life as well.  Passion makes me a better mother, a better wife, a better musician, a better teacher, a non boring friend.  Maybe, I'm more thankful than others for the richness of my life (rich food and rich relationships).  I view my life as a miracle.

In the words of Andie Mitchell from Can You Stay for Dinner, and in the spirit of staying positive, my weight has led me to develop a "sense of humor before a sense of entitlement."  Like her I have "found spirit. Maybe because I was painfully aware of my size, I cultivated an awareness of all of my life.  A deep knowing.  A way of sensing and trusting and believing - in a way that others won't, or can't, know as well.  Maybe I feel deeper."

For sure.

I believe God is and always has been working all things for my good.  I'll just keep on believing that.  For my good.  Even this.

Now, lastly on my agenda, and I didn't actually write this one down...

Tell someone "out there" that freedom from whatever that thing is -- that thing you believe has you.  That thing you do or think that you really don't want to do or think -- FREEDOM may not come to you the exact way you've always imagined it would. Sometimes our imaginations work against us in fact.  Believe that. THAT is truth.  "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"  Jeremiah 17:9

I have wrongly believed that victory for me is possible in EVERY area -- except this one.

Knowing I've wrongly believed it hasn't helped me believe the right thing either.  More work is needed.

More.  Work.  Is.  Needed.

But maybe, what I'm hoping for anyways, admitting my need for real help...long term SERIOUS help -- EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IF THAT'S WHAT IS NECESSARY - sort of help -- is the real victory.  It doesn't look like a size 7...but it already feels lighter none-the-less.

Deep breath.

Countdown to surgery, 5 days.

Everyone all of a sudden seems to have an opinion.

When I tell my fat friends of my decision to have bariatric surgery, they act as if I'm being too extreme.  They feel uncomfortable with my decision.  I get that.

When I tell my skinny friends, they say they'd rather me do it the "right way".

I let that in one ear and out the other.

I am strong willed.

Occasionally, it works in my favor.

I've done the research, the praying, and had the conversations.

For.  An.  Entire.  Year.

I've made my decision.

I feel excited about it -- and scared too.

I like a carefree self.  A more rigid, skinny self makes me feel stressed.

It's a bucket list item between God and I sort of.

Not, of course to have weight loss surgery, but to be at a healthy weight -- to have a chance to WALK out freedom, even if it's hard.

In answer to my painfully honest question to a friend who is 6 years out from her surgery, "How will I know if I've succeeded or failed?"

She answered, "Shanna, you'll never be a success because you reach an assigned goal weight.  You are a success because you decide that no matter what -- weight loss, regain, weight loss -- no matter what -- you are going to stay on this journey for the rest of your life."

Catch you on the flip side friends!

Gastric Bypass Surgery Update - 7 months

I am now, 7 months out from my gastric bypass surgery.

The other night, I saw a neighbor in Wal-Mart, whom I hadn't seen in awhile.  She didn't recognize me.

Me to Hosanna, "I don't really consider myself having gotten unrecognizable."  Hosanna, "You are recognizable.  You just look totally different."  :/

Going into it, I really didn't have a big expectation for how much weight I would lose by when...

Frankly, I was just so discouraged.  I was ABSOLUTELY convinced I couldn't do it on my own.  I needed SERIOUS intervention people.  Oddly, I was crazy hopeful as well.  Admitting your need for help and then taking the steps to actually get help -- well -- that can bring hope I've discovered.

Some last words the day before surgery from my surgeon...

"Shanna, you aren't going to die any time soon from your "conditions".  Your blood pressure and diabetes are well controlled.  However, your BMI does qualify you for the surgery.  I think RNY Gastric Bypass is right for you, but if you think you can loose weight in any other way, you should."

"Shanna, the surgery alone will not do it.  You will have to exercise EVERY DAY."

"Shanna, your expectation should be this.  In the first year, you will lose 70% of your "need to lose weight" or 91 lbs...probably."

Needless to say, I've taken it seriously.  And, I am active EVERY DAY.

Eating what I'm suppose to eat -- as dictated by 18 alarms on my cell phone.

And, I am 8 pounds from that 91 pound goal.

83 lbs down.

My next appointment with the surgeon is November 22nd.  I would really LOVE to be another 8 lbs down by then.  But, I won't be greedy.

When it comes to those 8 lbs, it's not a matter of if I "can do it" or not.  Besides, I weigh 5 lbs LESS than Billy.

Truthfully, I can't control the number on the scale.  I can't really control what my body does.  I can't control if I lose 8 lbs by my doctors appointment or not.  So, I focus on what I can control...

I will workout, on purpose -- in the gym -- 4 days a week.  2 days a week, I'll be active in a fun way with my family...at home doing aerobics, hiking, or working with my online personal trainer!  Let's here it for 4 minute Tabatas!  No.

I will eat what I'm suppose to eat -- 60 g of protein, 60 oz of water, trace amounts of fruit, vegetables and grains for variety.

I will prioritize other ways to enjoy life, daily, than just what I put in my mouth.  The music I like?  Beside the CD player.  The candles I like?  Stocked in the kitchen cabinet.  Fuzzy socks?  God help the person who picks up and misplaces my fuzzy socks.  Bubble baths, hot tub evenings, snuggling on Billy while watching a movie, driving to see college kid -- ALL of these things are IMPORTANT for my good health and well being. 

I will learn to "sit with my feelings" - wisdom from my friend Cheryl.  I will pray them through until I (at the very least) know what they are -- and I will learn to TALK.  When I feel anger -- well it's just anger.  It isn't necessary to drown it in sugar.  It will leave on it's on. 

For those wondering how a person with gastric bypass eats -- at least 7 months out -- here's my run down....basically....although I PURPOSE to make each day slightly different for VARIETY'S sake.  Because when I said to the surgeon at 3 months, "I'd be happy to eat yogurt every meal, every day for the rest of my life."  He said back to me, "You won't forever.  Make variety your next goal."

7:30am
6oz of Vanilla Greek Yogurt with frozen fruit.  (I place 4 or 5 frozen cherries, peaches or black berries in it to thaw the night before...)
Multi Vitamin
12 grams protein

10:30  am
1 oz of whole, raw almonds (about 24)
6 grams protein
Calcium, D3

1:30 pm
2oz shredded pork
2 oz black beans
1 oz cheddar cheese
diced tomato, onion, spinach and avocado
1 t Fat Free Sour Cream
21 grams protein
Calcium

4:30 pm
Protein Bar (or protein shake with fruit and spinach)
14 gram protein
Calcium

7:30 pm
2 oz pot roast
diced peppers and onion
green beans
16 grams protein
Multi Vitamin

Total:  66 grams of protein (that's just an example, the amounts may not be exact)

I don't limit carbs.  I try to make my protein requirement a priority.  That limits my carbs.

I don't limit my calories.  Frankly, my body does.  About 1/2 cup is what I can handle at this time.

If I am STILL hungry in the evenings, I eat 1/4 cup of blended, frozen fruit -- or some mini rice cakes. 

Tonight, I ate 1 cookie (with 6 grams of sugar -- which is under my 13 gram limit).  I seldom do this.  I crave proteins, not sweets.  I also don't keep cookies in the house.  Hosanna brought them home.

Frankly, it's a MIRACLE I can eat just 1 cookie and feel fine about it.  I eat so few sweets -- that they taste TOO CRAZY SWEET.  At least right now they do.

Things I'm NEVER Out Of:

Greek Yogurt
Frozen Fruit
Protein Bars
Protein Powder
PB2 Powder
Avocado
Shredded Meat (Chicken, Pork, Taco Meat, Etc)
Cheese
Crystal Light ENERGY
Almond Milk
Sweet Chili Rice Cakes
Peanut Butter

Activity

I enjoy, love really, Aqua Aerobics and ESPECIALLY Aqua Zumba when it's available at my Y.  I enjoy doing 5K's.  I enjoy doing aerobics.  I have a personal trainer for the next 10 weeks -- straight through the holidays!  I'll be trying a Tabata, Burpees, Jump Squats -- you know -- a bunch of things I never thought I'd do!

When I think of the future, I admit to feeling afraid.

Recently, I stopped at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts with Billy and Hosanna.  Truth be told, a glazed doughnut is only 10 grams of sugar...within my limit.  I told the worker guy handing out free hot doughnuts that I didn't want one.  He looked confused.  I felt confused.  I ate a bite of Billy's.  It was good, but not heaven.  And I couldn't hide it.  B says, "You look afraid."  I said, "I feel afraid and would appreciate it we could leave now."  We did.  Strange.

Anyways, I try not to think about the future to much.  I've met PLENTLY of RNY people who have gained some of their weight back -- some that have gained all of their weight back -- and some on their second and third surgeries.  Before you judge, I've also met people on EVERY SINGLE DIET, PROGRAM, PROTEIN DRINK MIX AND PILL YOU CAN IMAGINE THAT HAVE GAINED THEIR WEIGHT BACK AS WELL.  It happens.  It's no secret. 

If you ask me if I'll gain the weight back -- my honest answer is -- I don't know.  But...

But...

I didn't today. 

Today, I worked out.  I situated my work out for tomorrow.  I ate what I was suppose to eat -- when I was suppose to eat it.

And, today, that's the best I got!

Here's some pictorial proof...

December 2012

Hawaii, May 2013 (6 weeks after surgery)

August 2013

Color Run, September 2013

Visiting College Kid, a couple weeks ago.  :)

"You did it: you changed wild lament

    into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
    and decked me with wildflowers.
I’m about to burst with song;
    I can’t keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
    I can’t thank you enough."  Psalms 30:11




Many Blessings,

Weighing in on Weight Loss Surgery - Part 1

Many months ago, at the beginning of 2012, I wrote a few blogs documenting my first steps and thoughts towards having weight loss surgery.  I briefly published them, only to have 101 total strangers email me about buying their weight loss products.  I took the blogs down, because, I mean really -- who cares?  Truth be told though, since having surgery 6 months ago, I've come in contact with MANY people who care -- MANY people who are in the midst of their own journey.  So, if your interested, here's post #1 of mine....

I remember when I became fat.  At least, I remember when I became conscious of being fat.

I was in third grade.  Mrs. Graddick was my teacher.  Tall, dark skinned, glasses that sat on the tip of her nose, and gray hair tied in a bun...stern.  She wore Sunday dresses and black heels only.  Panty hose everyday.  All work, no play.

For some class project or another, she decided it would be best to have each child step on a scale in front of the class.  A third grade weigh-in.  Shocked?  Come on.  It was 1982.

Innocently, without the sightliest amount of dread, I took my turn.  And...tipped the scales at 101 pounds.  Without a seconds notice, Mrs. Graddick announced, with a sarcastic tone I can still recall 32 years later, "I'm going to put you on a diet".

And...at that moment, I became fat...obviously already so in my body...but now I was fat in my mind.  All of a sudden, I knew I was fat -- and even more alarming to me, everyone else was apparently aware of it too.  At age 8, shame descended upon me like a warm, scratchy, annoying, but oddly comfortable at the same time blanket.  It really wasn't mine.  But I owned it none-the-less.

 "She'll grow out of it,"  my grandmother told my mother.  38 years later -- we're still waiting on me to grow out of it.

(Fast forward) Fifth Grade - My parents, tired of waiting for me to grow out of it - and rightly concerned on many levels, announced that we A.L.L. needed to go on a diet.  A.L.L. meant  me, my mom and dad.  My 6 year old sister was already skinny. Sigh.

Armed with a calorie count book, copious amounts of shame and a secret fear that I was a disappointment to...well...everyone...I did not protest.

1,000 calories a day.  Weekly weigh ins.  And...before you know it...at age 10...I had my first MAJOR DIET success.  In the summer of  1984, I lost 25 lbs. and re-joined the ranks of the other fifth graders at Early County Elementary School a new woman.  And, I was new...in ways that were good...and bad.

Sure...I'd lost 25 lbs...and even at the age of 10...noticed that EVERYBODY noticed.  But, I hadn't lost my shame.  Oddly, not one ounce.  It still covered me.  I hadn't lost a deep since of fear -- that I would disappoint -- well -- EVERYBODY.  And, even more odd, I had picked up a deep, deep, very deep need for someone...ANYONE...to think I was pretty.  I now CRAVED not only comfort food, but... being pretty. A contradiction in terms so it seemed.

Its funny how you can lose weight and still feel fat.  Still BE fat in your mind.  It's funny how EVERYONE can seem pretty -- EVERYONE gets to BE pretty -- just not you.  A lie of the enemy we are all capable of hearing, yes?  EVERYONE...just not you.

I craved attention from boys -- and wrongly reasoned out that if he paid attention to me, I must infact BE pretty.

Turns my stomach still.

I did survive it and in high school, I lived on one of two streets all the time...

Dieting Street (my will power) or Gaining Weight Street (giving up all restraint).  I managed to stay a size 10.  Only about 6 sizes LARGER than most of the other girls.  EVERYONE gets to be a size 4...just NOT you.

Have you ever watched the 1,000 lb man on TLC?  When I did a couple of years ago, I cried.  "I AM that person",  I told my family.  Horrified they said, "NO YOUR NOT!"  I held steadfast, "I am on the inside -- capable of throwing off all restraint in this area...1,000 lbs doesn't seem that far fetched to me."  We are ALL capable of throwing off all restraint in some area, yes?

In college I reasoned out, if only I prayed more, was willing to die to myself completely, was committed to tearing down the "high places".  If only I had a heart that would say "yes" to God in all things.  If only I wasn't so strong willed.  Why was I born strong willed?  And why wasn't my strong will working for me and not against me?

It seemed right, spiritually mature even.  But it was exhausting.

Exhausting.

Spiritual battery.

Lately, my long term struggle with this issue has led me to consider the possibility of weight loss surgery.  As I have studied it, I've watched numerous Before/After videos of other peoples weight loss journeys.  As a result, I've decided that there are a few things that I hope NOT to say to myself.  Ever.

List of things to Never Say To Myself

#1 - "I didn't like that (big) girl, I didn't love her."  Satan comes to all of us in childhood and attempts to wound us.  No one gets out of this life without any scars.  Seems a heinous thing to say to a wounded individual that you don't love her -- even if the individual is yourself.

My journey has led me to try to thank God for all things -- including my weight gain/weight loss journey...the good, bad and the ugly.  He is, and has been,  working all of these things together for my good.  As I've thanked Him for it, all the parts of my journey, I have sensed His presence in my life and come to realize more deeply His love and acceptance for me in the here and now.

#2  -  "I wasn't happy."  Realization: skinny, like money, doesn't make you happy.  Logic accepted.  They do, however, solve a few problems.  'Happy' just isn't one of them.  Weight loss is a function of a more healthy lifestyle.  Joy is a function of gratitude.  I won't confuse the two.

#3 - "I was waiting for life to begin".  My life has been going for 39 years now.  I live it fully.  Anyone who doubts the fullness of my life should read my blog.

 I know when I begin to discuss the weight loss surgery in Part II of this blog, many will assume my thoughts concerning this procedure to be rash and short on consideration.  Oh contraire mon frere.  I assure you that I am actually made up of about 95% pure thought.  My mind works well, deep.  A lot of the time, I think so hard -- my lips actually move.  True Story -- just ask my family.  :)

So many thoughts have I, that I will leave you here...to rest your eyes for just a moment before I go on, and on....

Until then....

Gastric Bypass Surgery - 3 month update

My recovery from Gastric Bypass Surgery was so difficult the first 2 weeks, I journaled daily in order to see any improvement - no matter how minuscule - and convince myself that I wasn't going to die!

Here are a few notable days...

Day Before Surgery:  Billy and I decided to stay in a hotel room in Fort Collins.  Thankful for the quiet my nerves so desperately needed, the laughter we share (thankful we are still good friends), thankful to finally be at this point and VERY happy Billy's keeping me distracted.

Ate last supper at Famous Dave's.  Decided not to pig out.  It was just too weird.

Woke up in the night scared and grossed out by thoughts of the procedure.  None-the-less, feel RESOLVED.

Day of Surgery:  Walked in so scared my entire body was trembling.  Singing "Glorious God" to myself all morning.  Was told to shower with what amounted to a small bottle of bleach and that I could eat ice chips in moderation.  In moderation?  Ice chips?

Day after Surgery:  Walked 5,700 steps.  Doctor reminded me not to compare the next 6 weeks with the next 6 years.  All righty then.

Day 2 post opt:  Billy forgot to pick up Cottage Cheese.  I want to kill him.

Day 3 post opt:  Sleep is the great equalizer.  Therefore, I will sleep.

Day 5 post opt:  Spent the day allowing songs about God, My Healer, to wash over my mind.  Maybe I should think about washing my hair too.

Day 6 post opt:  Finally got my hair washed.  Did I really just say that?  Dressed to run some errands with Billy.  My jeans still fit.  Damn it!

Apparently, energy for getting dressed is all I can muster.  Too tired to actually run errands.  Is this normal?  Maybe I should have taken more than 1 week off work???

Day 7 post opt:  Saw clients today.  Didn't throw up in front of them.  My life...

Day 8 post opt:  I feel really weary of having to figure everything NEW out EVERY MORNING, EVERY DAY.  I want to be on auto pilot.

I imagine my healthy friends don't live on auto pilot in regards to their UNHEALTHY eating habits.  I am bored.  Lonely.  I want to sleep 24/7.  I wish this were easier and I'm scared it won't work.

Day 10 post opt:  Went for a walk in the park.  Maybe I won't die after all.

Day 12 post opt:  It's a new day.  Regrouped.  Living new.  Moving Forward.  I can do hard things.  Walked the mall 1 1/2 hours.

Day 13 post opt:  Going back to work.  Down 15 pounds.

Today it's been 3 months and 3 days since surgery.

I am STILL healing, and learning to live with a new anatomy.  NONE OF IT HAS BEEN EASY FOR ME.

However, down 48 lbs, and doing an hour of aerobics several days a week -- I FEEL GREAT!

It's not like I have formed better "habits" so to speak.

It still feels too new.

I'm TRYING to be disciplined with what I know I have to do, and hoping that HABIT follows.  Good habits.  But I am coming a long.

I generally eat 6 small meals a day (sometimes less, sometimes more).  At first, I could get "full" on 2 Tbs water.  Now, I can eat 6 oz of yogurt at a time.  2 oz of meat and a few nibbles of veggies.  I can easily drink 48 oz of water a day.

Still frustrating at times, but clearly making progress.

I told a friend that I don't crave sugar anymore.

I really mean that too.

It's like a miracle.  I would have NEVER thought I could get off the sweets.  But, low and behold, I can.  I can do hard things.

Yes, on the fourth I did say, "I'd rip my finger nail off to be able to drink a chocolate shake." But in reality, I wouldn't.  I like my finger nail.  And, I really, REALLY like living the life that's been in my mind for quite some time.  The life where I feel great and have energy to keep up with my active family.  The life where I can say NO to a chocolate shake, and still be happy.

In September, we are running a 5K (The Color Run) together.  You can see it here...

Love and blessings!

What a difference 2 weeks can make...

It might feel like I'm coming out of the closet here -- but I just haven't gotten around to telling everyone.

A little over 2 weeks ago, on April 2nd, I had Gastric Bypass Surgery.

How I came to that decision was years in the making -- and material for another day (don't worry, I'll get around to it - and I'm more than happy to share my process).  I actually thought about starting a new blog dedicated to this topic -- and my next thought was WHO WANTS TO READ AN ENTIRE BLOG DEDICATED TO GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY or even about MY weight loss?  I quickly answered, I DON'T.  For real, I don't.

Here's the jist of it.  It's a kicka** recovery.  Believe me.  The word a** is appropriately placed there.  It's that hard.  Even when the surgery apparently "couldn't have gone better".  In the first week, I only thought I'd die about 100 times.

God must have other plans for me.

Yesterday was my 2 week post opt visit.  I have lost almost 16 lbs.  The doctor said it was mostly water weight (and I didn't even slap him).  I've been cleared for all physical activity -- which means I've been doing "Walk Away the Pounds" by Leslie Sansone.

3 miles, in 45 minutes -- with a firm band.  Hallelujah.

Since it's technically a 6 week recovery, I'm still on "soft foods".  Which is a whole lot better than clear liquids, believe you me.  I never. EVER. want chicken broth again.  Nuff said.

But, man, do I feel better!

I've had my first attempt at eating in a restaurant.  1 egg, over easy, at Cracker Barrel.

They charge you $6.99 for that by the way.

I've cooked a couple of times.  Tonight, Vegetarian Chili - light on the spice.

My diet is WAY different -- and WAY healthier.  High protein, low carb -- very little sugar.

And my doctor has ALREADY taken me off of ALL -- that's A.L.L. -- meds for blood pressure and diabetes.  Rock on.

HOWEVER, that's NOT all that's happening around here....

Elizabeth has her first voice student competing in a competition in just 3 weeks.  I'm her accompanist and she's doing great!

She also took a SECOND job at ChickFila.

(Since they give free meals to their employees, I've speculated that we should all 7 work there.)

Elizabeth's graduation happens on May 24th -- Grad Party on May 26th -- Leave for a week in Hawaii on May 27th.  Yup.  Fun.  Exciting.  Crazy.  (I can't wait to be in Hawaii!)

Hopefully, we'll she'll have decided on a college by then.

Hosanna has also been working at Chick.  Miss Smarty Pants will be inducted into the National Honors Society on Monday night.

Saturday night, however, is Prom.  She borrowed a dress and is going with a young man the RamFam parents happen to adore.

Note:  Boys we don't adore -- need not apply.  Whereas I might be able to be charmed and won over, Mr. Ramsdell -- not so much.

Ben got his cast off.  He's been in physical therapy and playing around (agility drills only) with the football team.  He's been selling doughnuts like crazy (which means his father makes him get up at the crack of dawn inorder to drive 39 miles ONE WAY to the nearest Krispie Kreme) -- and only about $300 from his $1995 missions trip goal.  This past Saturday, he participated in this first training with Every Home for Christ.  I. Love. It.

Victoria, thanks to her expert knowledge of "the law" and persistent personality, was able to start a prayer group at school. In just a few weeks they've gone from having 3 participants to having 10 -- and she's VERY excited about that!  She was recently invited to join the College Pathways program next year -- which if accepted -- will be major change.

Eli started soccer during my recent recovery.  Lets just say, he probably won't have a career in it HOWEVER he did make a perfect score on his 5th spelling test in a row -- earning yet another Light Saber -- one that ACTUALLY lights up and makes sound!  Spelling is harder when you have limited vision.  Good thing he's a genius (and really cute)!

Last but not least, Billy is getting ready to go back on the road again soon -- speaking at a parenting conference in Florida on April 26th.  After taking care of me day and night since April 2nd, I'm SURE he needs the break!  We are thankful for all the opportunities extended towards him this past year to speak and minister.  Truly, truly a blessing!

Best of all summer's right around the corner!

We.  Need.  Summer.  :)

Peace....

Weighing in on Weight Loss Surgery - Part II

Many months ago, at the beginning of 2012, I wrote a few blogs documenting my first steps and thoughts towards having weight loss surgery.  I briefly published them, only to have 101 total strangers email me about buying their weight loss products.  I took the blogs down, because, I mean really -- who cares?  Truth be told though, since having surgery 9 months ago, I've come in contact with MANY people who care -- MANY people who are in the midst of their own journey.  So, if your interested, here's post #2 of mine....


My grown up years have been good.  Maturity is good.  Learning the truth is LIFE giving.  Truth sets you free - and by the time I became an adult, I desperately needed some freedom.  In my 20's and 30's, by the miracle of God's grace, I digested much truth -- an antibody for the lies I believed in childhood.  God began to set me free in areas relating to relationships, society, beauty, worship and more.  I learned how easily we all succumb to lies and just how very hard it is for humans to live a life free of fear.  When I became a parent, I also realized the importance of not having a bad teacher for third grade (if you don't believe in the importance of that and need to be caught up, just click and read here Weighing in on Weight Loss Surgery - Part I).

Most definitely, I've gained some perspective.

Fact, shame can be hard to shake.  Shame picked up in childhood -- can last...a lifetime if you let it.  It is oddly painful and comfortable at the same time.

It was freedom I sought.  And, as it began to come -- it looked differently than I imagined it too.  In regards to my weight, I imagined it looking thin, with all my 18 year old parts back -- in a cute chevron skirt with a jean jacket.

That's not how it came to me.

Freedom came to me first, in my MIND. 

I  knew my issues with food ran deep.  THE PROBLEM WAS WITHIN ME.  And, I needed to address it in an "on-going, this doesn't allow me to quit, I have lots of support, HAVE to stop my life and make this a priority, treat it like life or death, do the hard work" kind of way.

I recognized and  let go of a lie I had heard everyday since fifth grade.  "Today, will be different.  I will change myself and lose the weight."

Realization:  That was a lie.  It sounds virtuous.  It sounds American.  But it wasn't true.  Not for me -- not in THIS particular case.

I am not trying to say that NO ONE is capable of changing their eating habits and losing weight without surgery.  Surgery wasn't my only option.

But, I knew - I knew - that MORE than I believed that today would be the day I'd change myself -- MORE than that, I believed I could NEVER change my eating habits and lose a significant amount of weight. Therefore, surgery became a very important option for me to pursue, and little did I know just how much taking the steps towards it would begin to change my mind.

I believe that when the problem is INSIDE of you, MOST OFTEN, Y.O.U. aren't going to be able to fix it by yourself.  You need help, from the outside.

I made the call to the professionals.

Agenda item #1 - Attend a medically supervised weight loss nutrition/exercise class, once a month, for 6 months.  (All said and done, I would attend for 12 months before having wl surgery)

My first class contained about 200 people with an average weight of about 400 lbs.  They called me the "light weight" - this was good.  It kept me going back.  Truthfully, I learned nothing new.  Eat more veggies.  Avoid sugar.  Avoid large amounts.  Exercise...all the time.

These were my people.

Agenda item #2 - Meet with your Primary Care Doctor who needs to sign off on your surgery.

I have a rule about PC Doctors.  Go there if you have a cold or if you need a referral.  Ours never seemed to do any real "doctor" work.  And this would not be the first time I'd brought up surgery to a doctor.

Doctor #1, "I wouldn't do that.  What if you want to have a nice, big steak dinner sometime?  You won't be able to have anything big."

Call me crazy, but hadn't I had one too many big dinners?

Doctor #2, "Just think of food as fuel and don't eat ANYTHING that tastes good."

Yea, that's helpful.

Doctor #3 (first visit), "The problem is that your diet is s**t.  Just change it.  You can do it.  You don't need surgery, you can do it on your own".  

I seriously wondered if any of these people actually went to medical school.

Overlook the fact that a doctor really doesn't need to cuss to connect with me -- in fact my expectation is that a doctor be smarter than me and show it via his upgraded vocabulary, I knew by now that "You can do it own your own", just wasn't going to work for me.  If I kept to this belief, I knew I had a real chance of becoming  the 400 lbs, 60 year old woman puffing on oxygen WISHING I would have gotten more help when I was 38.  I kindly said to the doctor I had known for all of 10 minutes, "If you will just fill out the paper, I'll try...but I'm still going to consider the surgery".

Freedom came - one simple, powerful thought at a time.

As of August 6, 2012, I am now 1/2 way though my prep work for surgery and am still moving forward.

I rarely talk about it with others.  I know there are risks, horror stories and still more changes I must make...like making peace with a more strict, disciplined me (and raw veggies).  I'm not asking other people's opinions, permission or going into it lightly.  I'm a through, thinking, praying person.  It's my journey, and I'm owning it.  Freedom doesn't come in just one way -- and I am daily saying to God with an open mind and heart that it certainly doesn't have to come to me only in the way I imagined it would.  And, that is how you know, you really want to be free.


Blessings,