Prayer, Fear and Letting Go

Recently, my sweet college kid wrote this blog on why she isn't afraid to go to India.  I am happy to say, I am not the "loving mother" she refers too that asked why in the world she'd even WANT too go -- and I am in no way surprised to hear her say she is more preoccupied with feeling COMPASSION rather than FEAR.

Compassion can make a person do all kinds of  crazy things.  Believe me, I know.

***

The snow was piled above our heads today in Colorado.  I woke early and said good bye to B in order to spend the morning in the studio.  Some people spend their days listening to their favorite musicians.  I teach mine.

During a mid day break - I ran some errands.  I'm not even sure how the old CD got in my car but it was right there -- Around Your Throne by Ross Parsley.  I put it in, and along with the prayerful lyrics, I began to pray for my family.

Sometimes, prayer feels dry.

But, not today.  Today, I am keenly aware of  some prophetic authority wrapping my words -- and I just know I'm suppose to be saying them out loud.  They are accompanied with a knowing that my faith is activating something that I can't even see, or explain.

***

My little family has stepped out this year to do some new things, and I've felt particularly sensitive to the need to be praying for each of them.  We feel more broken than ever before.  More hungry for God's presence.  More willing to trust Him.

We believe He's gone before us in these new endeavors -- at least we are all hoping that He has.

As I drive, I pray that the 7 of us would grow in wisdom.  I ask God to establish the work of our hands.

I pray that the love that Jesus had for others -- would be the same heart my family members have for the people God brings across our path.

***

I'm not just talking when I pray.  I'm listening.

Real life situations and conversations from this past week tumble through my thoughts.

My Spirit hears things like....

I am the God of the humble.  I chooses to draw close to the broken hearted, the hungry, the thirsty. I am a friend to the weak.

I compassionately wash the feet of the weary.

God's kindness continues to draw me in, and change me.  Makes me want to be like Him.

***

At this point in the conversation -- I pray that my children will have an apostolic anointing -- that the compassion of Jesus would MOVE them to action -- that they would be powerful women and men of God TODAY and be willing to GO where ever God leads them -- to whom God leads them.  Oh that they be sensitive to His leading.

In this moment of prayer, whether that be a public platform here in America -- or a hut across the ocean with a hidden ministry of intercession makes no never mind to me.  It's their hearts I want to see changed.

Do you know what it cost me and Billy to follow Jesus with WILLING hearts?  Everything.

Do you know what it will cost our children?  The same.

***

It's on the heals of a hundred moments, a thousands days over the past 20 years, just like this one  -- times that in MY WILLING SURRENDER, I SURRENDER MY CHILDREN TO GOD WHO CREATED THEM FOR HIS PURPOSE (You know, that thing we say about how they aren't really ours?) -- that one of my kids will blow in the door and casually say something like, "Guess where I'm going to lead worship for a month this summer?  India."

"If you fulfill your calling, your children will fulfill theirs."  Patricia Bootsma

***

If you don't spend time praying for your children, that's another conversation.  But, listen sweet parent, WHO PRAYS...

What is the point of praying that your child would have COMPASSION only for you to recoil when they invite their gay, lonely friend over for dinner?

What is the point of praying that they'd be OBEDIENT to what God calls them to do, only to say NO WAY when it's going farther away -- or is more costly to them (and you) than you thought?

What is the point of praying a rebellious child would COME TO THE END OF THEMSELVES only to continually cushion the blow so much -- they're never aware they hit bottom?

And, well, a thousand other scenarios.

This is a part of learning to cooperate with the Holy Spirit not only in your own life, but in the growth of your child as well.

When your children surrender, obey, trust, sacrifice -- there is no greater joy.  AND, it is also your opportunity to let go of MORE -- surrender AGAIN -- obey willingly AGAIN (even if your body trembles) -- decide to trust no matter what AGAIN -- AGAIN there is sacrifice.

This is not to say that I don't have emotions like yours -- that our greatest nightmares as mother are not all similar.  It's not naivety that the rain doesn't actually fall on the just and the unjust.  I'm certainly not suggesting it is easy.  The Bible uses words like overcome -- and persevere.  And last I lived, I didn't have to overcome or persevere something that was cake.

But, this is the process by which God grows in me -- and how God grows in my children.  How we as a family become more like Jesus.  It doesn't matter if you are 19, or like me, turning 41 this weekend.  I imagine it to be the same at 60 and 80.

And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, 

are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, 

which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.  2 Cor 3:18

Keep praying friend,

{Lessons from Spring Break Day 1} Not Perfect, But Really Good

This week has been Spring Break.  Glorious Spring Break.  Love it.

Not because the weather all of a sudden becomes so warm and perfect we can FINALLY get back outdoors.  It doesn't.  In that regard, Spring is the one season Colorado doesn't do well.

I don't love Spring Break because we go on some grand vacation.  Or any vacation for that matter.  Besides the occasional day trip to Breckenridge, we stay home.

We stay home.

Did you hear that?

We stay home.

We do NOTHING.

And by NOTHING, I mean NOTHING that isn't life giving.

Of course, spending an entire straight week doing nothing but what I enjoy is as impossible for me as it is for you.

And I have learned, it is impossible.

Perfection -- having things exactly the way I want them all the time -- is always a wrong expectation.

Things will not be perfect, but I know that they can be really good.

During Spring Break, we sleep alot.

It's quiet.  Calm.  As calm as our house can be.

Glorious.

SPRING BREAK DAY 1

1.  Sleep in.  Check.

2.   Make something NEW, HEALTHY and DELICIOUS for breakfast (which I plan to do every morning of Spring Break because I want too) .  Check.  Well, sort of...

I tried these...

PALEO BANANA PANCAKES.

They look good right?  Trust me.  If you haven't eaten a pancake IN A YEAR, they look AMAZING.

I found the three ingredient recipe through pinterest on the blog Haus of Gerz.

Just three ingredients.  How could I mess it up?

And yet...

In all fairness, I think it was the ALTITUDE.

The texture was all wrong.  The entire family hated them.

For the second batch I added 1 scoop of Protein Powder.  And it helped.  They looked like they were suppose too.  Still -- we were already tainted.  We'll try it again on another day...

Cooking bacon in the George Foreman Grill however was genius.

7 minutes.  Delicious.  Easy clean up.

Mix a little protein mix in with my coffee -- and all was not lost.

3.   DISCIPLINE TEENAGER.  I said our day was good.  Not perfect.

Listen, a week (actually ANY given amount of time) is TOO LONG to be at home with a child who is for lack of better term IGNORING you.

Me, "When you enter my spotless kitchen to make food -- I expect you too completely clean ALL of your dishes and wipe off the counters.  Did you hear me?  ALL of your DISHES.  Wipe off the counters."

I was clear.  The task was not too hard.  The child does not have a hearing problem.

And yet.

And yet...

Well, you know.  

There the dishes and the crumbs were -- an hour later.  

Mocking me.

So, my reaction was quick and concise.

Me, "You aren't going to practice today.  You can't go be your best in public and ignore me at home. Ignoring me is the SAME as disrespecting me.  I can't be at home all week with you, enjoying spring break with you AND be being disrespected by you.  Something has to give.  That something is YOU.  If you want to go to practice TOMORROW, I'd suggest you practice cleaning the kitchen all day."

My kitchen (and sanity) has thanked me for that move for the last 3 days.

My future daughter-in-law will thank me for it as well.  :)

4.   Play Play-Doh with Eli.

Lest you think somehow by my career choice that I am that mom who naturally LIKES to sit down and play children's games when I am home, our conversation went like this...

Eli, "Mom, I wish you'd play play-doh with me."

Me, "Eli, I don't like to play play-doh."

Eli, "Well, you used too."

Guilt.

It worked on me.

TA-DAH!

5.   Have Eli read to me. Check!

He's reading!

Did you hear that world?

He's reading!

Both Braille and REGULAR PRINT!  With his one seeing eyeball!

It's a miracle.  Seriously.  It really is.  You don't even know.

He read this to me...

And, I read these to him...

We are working on covering the CLASSICS.  :)

I read to myself too.  I am enjoying this...

And this...

(Her sensibilities on diet, exercise and loving and caring for your body are remarkable -- and easy to understand.) 

And this...

Someone asked me why I was reading "her".  The answer is simple.

Because I want too.

It's funny.  No points.  Just fun.

Confession:  I don't just read Christian authors or subjects.  I enjoy (and even find it valuable) to read things written by all kinds of various people who are shaping our culture.  Especially those who are different from me.  It's ok if you don't follow suit.  Or, it's ok if you do.  I don't mind either way.  :)

6.  Workout.  Check.

I really want to start Crossfit.  But because I'm a little bit chicken, I've committed to 6 weeks (or between now and summer) of doing At Home Crossfit Beginner Workouts I collected from Pinterest.  Thankfully, B and Ben decided to try it too.  Made it lots more fun.  Also, blare dubstep.  Definitely, blare dubstup.

 Finally, I ended the day with a Bubble bath and Italian Opera on Pandora.  Because I'm diverse.

It wasn't perfect, but it was really good.

And, whereas perfection is my enemy -- I've learned to raise my glass to really good.

Blessings,

This Post is NOT about Billy...

This isn't about Billy.

It's about other things...

This week, Victoria came home and told me she was in trouble at school for "cheating". 

What? 

Victoria is a freakin genius kid.  She doesn't need to cheat.

The story goes like this...

During a math test, "Not-so-Smart" kid kept looking on Victoria's paper.  Victoria could tell the girl was doing this...over...and over...and over...

Near the end of the test, Victoria's passive aggressive levels reached their peak and she turned suddenly on the girl and snapped in a LOUD voice, "You have to put that last problem in scientific notation for the answer to be right!"

She's not related to me AT ALL.

The teacher immediately corrected her for "helping" the other student.  Of course Victoria wasn't aware that she was on purpose providing any real "help" -- but she's so tired from the past 2 weeks of family insanity that she was all like WHATEVER.

Teacher calls me to discuss the "cheating incident."

He explains how the other girl "confessed".  Explained Victoria's "over the top" reaction.

I say to Mr. Teacher, "I'm not sure why she had such an over the top reaction.  Under normal circumstances, I would have instructed Victoria to turn to the girl MUCH EARLIER and yell out STOP CHEATING OFF MY PAPER YOU TWO TIMING MATAHARI (to quote George Banks)!  But, Mr. Teacher, we are not in normal circumstances right now, and I don't care that much about being a good parent.  So, I'll leave the consequences up to your discretion."

He was speechless and I felt satisfied with that.

He muttered a few other things I don't remember, finally just dismissed himself....and hung up.

I know I was just being a brat...

A brat who actually didn't have the capacity to handle the situation any differently at the moment and besides Victoria had already kinda "handle it" to my satisfaction -- but bratty none-the-less.

***

Today, I went on Obama's health insurance website.

Anyone else looked at it?

I text my sister and say, "Every time I click the 'shop now' button, nothing happens!  Obama is probably downloading spyware into my computer as I speak."

Allison, "Shanna, it's like a MAJOR story right now that the website doesn't work."

Me, "He has unlimited resources and a boat load of smart people at his disposable just sitting around thinking crap up -- and they can't get the 'shop now' button to work?  Ok, I'll call them."

Me, "There are 29 callers ahead of me.  I hung up.  Maybe we'll revisit the idea of this on Dec 31st".

Allison, "Open enrollment ends on Dec 7.  There are entire hospitals and doctors opting out, so I'd give your providers a call first.  Or just rent a movie and look on Pinterest."

Sounds good.

***

Today, I informed myself that it is ok for my joy to come back.  It's ok for my brain to turn back on.

It's definitely ok for me to shower and wash my hair.

In general, it's ok.

I'm going to stop eating rice cakes now, and get back to good nutrition and exercise.

And, that's all I wanted to say...

:)

And, Victoria, makes 4 TEENAGERS...

This past week, Victoria turned 13.

I'd post more baby pictures, but I honestly can't find any.

I now have 4 teenagers.

But, I find that ALOT easier than a newborn, 1 year old, 4 year old and 5 year old.

When Liz went to Kindergarten, I still had Hosanna, Ben and Victoria at home.

Fourth born in our family.  Only 13 months behind her brother.

Enough said.

To say I remember much of the pregnancy or her birth or even her baby years -- would be a lie I couldn't make seem believable.

During the 9 months of my pregnancy, my father died, my sister got married (and 4 of us were in the wedding), Billy had a job change, and my family at large had a small nervous breakdown...

The day I went into labor, home with a 1, 4, and 5 year old, I didn't call a single person.  B came home from work around 9 pm to find me playing solitaire on the computer.  By the time I said I needed to go to the hospital, we thought she might be born in the car.

We didn't even have a name picked out.

Significant.  We took naming our children seriously.

The day after she arrived, I was on a quest to figure something out for "Baby Girl Ramsdell".  I asked EVERY doctor, nurse and orderly who came into my room, "What's your name?  What's your mothers name?  What's her middle name?"

Victoria Anne.  

"Victory comes Easily" for her as she is "Highly Favored of God."

And, she had a voice right from the start.

We like to make 13 a special year.  An affirming year.

They aren't children anymore.

And, really, Victoria's long since not been a child.

***

I believe in speaking to my children prophetically.

I speak to them in LOTS of ways actually...

But there are moments that I know I am speaking a truth to them, about them, that comes from such a place within me that I know that I know that I know --My voice is simply in agreement with Heaven.

It's not always a scripture.  It's mostly not scripture.

It's not always deep.

It's not a mommy voice.  

It's not encouragement.  

It's more than that.

Text from College kid, "I have a job interview.  I am nervous to meet the people and their kids.  I hope they hire me."

Text response, "You are naturally likable.  You have good interpersonal intelligence.  You are anointed, strong and favored.  You know what it feels like to interview for a job and get it.  You know what it feels like to win over clients and maintain them.  They will love you."

That wasn't me being encouraging.

It is agreeing with The Truth about College Kid.

***

At other times it goes like this...

Mom, "Son, you need to write the problems out."

Kid works problems in his head.

Mom, "You missed 10 out of 20.  You need to write the problems out."

Kid works problems in his head.

Mom, "Now, you missed 15 out of 20.  There are too many steps.  You can't work them in your head.  Write them out."

Kid works problems in his head.

Mom, astonished, "Now they are all wrong."

Kid, "Mom!  It's your teaching!  You are stressing me out!".

Mom, "No.  Your stubbornness is stressing you out.  Your problem is NOT math, and it's NOT me.  Your problem is that you are not a man under authority.  If you would submit, and write the problems out -- all of a sudden -- you'd find I'm a better teacher and you're better at math!"

***

For Victoria's birthday, I had some very specific things on my mind.

I wanted to speak words from the Bible that we have literally prayed over her since before she was born.  I knew we talked a lot about these words, even singing them to her in song when she was little -- but honestly -- I couldn't remember a time RECENTLY I had talked about these things with her.

These were the words, ancient words, I spoke...

Isaiah 62:1-5

For Zion’s sake you were not created to keep silent,

    for Jerusalem’s sake you will not remain quiet,
till Christ’s vindication shines out like the dawn,
    and his salvation like a blazing torch.
The nations will see this vindication,
    and all will see God’s glory;
God calls you by a new name
    that his mouth bestows on you.
You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand,
    a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
No longer will they call you Deserted,
    or name your land Desolate.
But you will be called God’s Delight,
   for the Lord will take delight in you,
  As a young man marries a young woman,
    so will your Builder marry you;
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
    God rejoice over you.

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on you,
    because the Lord has anointed you
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent you to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release prisoners from darkness.
He has sent you to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve —
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
You will be called an oak of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

You will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
you will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
You will be called a priest of the Lord,
    you will be named a minister of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

This morning, I missed church.  Billy would be gone all day and I had an early afternoon piano recital to prepare for.  As I listened online and prayed these Words began to resonate strongly in my spirit, "The plan God has for you IS moving towards you.  Have faith."  I knew this was not just for me -- but for my family.  I sent a text to my husband and children...

"What God has for you, for us, IS coming towards you.  Have faith today."

God still speaks.  And, if you believe His Spirit resides within you, you hear Him.

Speak the things deep from your heart.  Speak them out loud so your child's ears can hear.  Then, when a little time passes, speak them again!

Blessings,

For similar topics, click here...

The Words I Would Say

Teenagers, Birthday Cakes and Purity Rings

{Parenting in Real Time} - The Words I Would Say

To tell you the truth, I don't even know who finds this stuff interesting.

Me, "Who are these people who read my blog anyways"?

Hosanna, "All my friends."

Well, okkkkaaaayyyy then...

This past week, I've been recovering from an infection.  The effects of the antibiotics are worse to me than the infection, and as a result I've done a lot of sitting in this chair...thinking, typing, and listening to Summer Hits of the 80's.  Currently playing, "Never Surrender" by Cory Hart (who, for the record, had AT LEAST 2 hits in the 80's OBVIOUSLY disqualifying him for the 'one hit wonder' status hovering above his name.  Duh).

Anyhow, while I've been complaining about being sick recovering, our oldest daughter has been packing up her room to move to college.

I so clearly remember this chatty little thing...

Proudly sporting a Biblegirl shirt...

For years I referred to her as the "Gray T-shirt Girl" because she owned more gray shirts than any human should -- and she enjoyed wearing each. and. every. one.  of. them.

She was born talking.  I swear she could say Bye Bye at 3 months old.

From this...

To this...

First day of Kindergarten...(with sister, Hosanna, rocking the Power Puff Girls pajamas)...

To highschool graduation...

Truth be told, we were in love with her from day 1...

She's the perfect mix of sweet and strong...

Southern Charm...

Not afraid to kill it on a dirt bike...

Athletic...

Daddy's girl...

What's not to love?

In March of 1995 (3 months before Elizabeth was born...), Billy and I began writing to her in a journal.  Over the years it was filled with little remembrances that parents often forget...like the way she used to mispronounce her own name, the way I panicked and checked her breathing the first night she slept though the night...poems Billy wrote to her.  

When she was 6 months old, he writes, "I enjoy your company."  Yea, she was always that kind of kid.

Now, she's packing up her room.

I am truly, truly excited for her...

I am truly, truly excited for us.  After all, it does feel as if Billy and I have arrived some place significant in this parenting thing.

But, truth be known, the sight of all the boxes makes me feel sad too.

I will miss seeing her every.  single.  day.

The night before her graduation, we sat down to write our final entries into her journal.  

For what it's worth, these were the words that came from my fingers.  Final entry type words.  My serious side...

Dear Elizabeth,

1.  Fear is a natural part of life.  No doubt it will come for you at times.  But try your best not to live your life controlled by it.  Be conscious and intentional about this.  

The good, the bad, the crazy times come.  Things will rarely go the way you expect.  But all is in God's hands.  He already has a path marked out for you.  He already has good works planned in advance for you to do.  Be brave.  Got for it.  Try.  Surrender.  Give.  You will be glad you did.

2.  Don't let the fact that you have many choices available to you prevent you from making a choice.  There is a big difference between having a choice and making a choice.  Hindsight is perfect for everyone.  It's true, when you choose one school, one career, one church, one spouse, etc -- that you then don't get to choose many other things.  BUT, your CHOICE brings with it value.  Value to the thing you did choose.  So choose.  And move forward in your life with confidence.

3.  Enjoy your relationships.  Love always carries with it the element of risk.  Risk to love deeply.  In the end and in the now -- people matter more than anything else.

4.  Protect your thoughts and protect your joy.  The enemy seeks to destroy this above all else.  Be thankful for the good and the hard.  They are both first filtered through God's hand.

"Joy is a function of gratitude and gratitude is a function of perspective." Ann Voskamp

  Seek God's eternal perspective in hard times, be thankful and your eyes will always be opened to God's blessing.  Then, there is joy.

I pray this book serves as a testimony to you of a legacy of God's blessing past down, spoken over you, sung over you, taught to you, and prayed for you the past 17 years.

More is yet to come.  We are always here for you, always thinking of you, always praying.

Mom

I do not fear for Elizabeth Joy's next steps -- she's lived the past 18 years -- WELL.  Her name means "consecrated" and "set apart to the Lord".  I've always known that would have to mean something.   And, we release her with joy...

"God is within her.  She will not fall."  Psalms 46:5

I would love to know what YOUR final entry would include!

{Parenting in Real Time} - Dating Rules Part 2, Dad's Perspective

Well folks, here ya go...

B's serious side, if you doubted he had one...

Dating advice good for all ages.  Tried and True...

Sunday, July 14, 2013

DATING - according to dad....

“Dating” Introduction

Being asked by my wife to comment on dating was a funny task. The subject is not funny, but her asking me to comment on it within the constraints of a blog entry, now that is funny. Why….

First: I’m naturally long winded, especially about issues I feel passionate about and dating is ….. well….up there on the passion chart…

Second: Dating, in my strong opinion, having been practiced badly over many generations of American history now, has possibly spoiled the “coming of age and growing up” process for tens millions of young people.

Thirdly: Dating, in just about every explainable circumstance is a waste of time, heart, soul and resources. Shanna knows that I feel this way, so it is funny when she asked me to seriously comment....but, she asked.....

“Dating” Disclaimers

Good: Dating is actually fine with me, if we define it differently than most of us came to know it. Some form of dating is actually necessary for a couple to get to know each other and build a relationship worthy of the next step.

Bad: It’s not the dating I have a problem with, it’s the version of dating we have allowed ourselves to practice. My history with dating, girlfriends, going steady and falling in love provided the same types of stupid memories most people have. It failed to provide the proper path for true love, lifelong friendship or trusted companionship. It did, however, provide cycles of “false starts”, that went too far, too fast then flamed out. I don’t miss any of those people, some of them I don’t even remember.

Best: After all the “false starts”, I separated myself from the dating game and spent time learning what God had in mind for these relationships. I then began to think and act differently. This led to the best discovery of my lifetime on earth, my college sweetheart, my best friend, Shanna Touchton-Ramsdell, who said “I DO”, at just the right time.

Real Life: I believe all the things I am saying. But, this does not mean that I teach them well or that my kids believe them. One thing I have done intentionally is to let my kids watch, listen and learn, but to develop their own standards. I pray and hope they believe what I have modeled and taught them, but they have to own their personal revelation of truth, practice it and learn to trust it in their own time. 

“Dating” According to Dad

1. Wait Till You Are Ready - Pray, listen and pay attention to the level of distraction the issue of dating has become, in regards to your pursuit of God and His will for your life. Trust your parents, mentors, youth pastors and teachers. Don’t be in a hurry and wait until dating is a process of going deeper with the right person and not a distracting social habit. “A time to love and a time to hate…” Ecc 3:8, “…Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” SoS 2:7b

2. Date People with Alignment - in purpose, passion, priorities, and agreement in the process of getting to know each other. “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers [do not make mismated alliances with them or come under a different yoke with them, inconsistent with your faith]. 2 Cor. 6:14 AMP

3. Protect your body. – This is simple, in my mind, no touching. We talk so much about how far is too far, when I think we should be talking about how to enjoy the best physical relationship possible. All touching is not wrong, but all touching does lead to more touching. So, my advise is to limit touching and don’t kiss until you find “the one”.  I know this sounds ridiculous  but what I really hope to communicate is that the physical intimacy enjoyed between two people can be better than most people ever dare talk about. Sexual activity of all kinds, outside of marriage, is less than best, and I desire the best sex, plain and simple.   “let there not be a hint of sexual immorality” Eph 5:3, “Flee from sexual immorality….” 1 Cor. 6:18,

4. Protect your heart. – This is simple for me to know, but hard to describe in a way that teens will accept. It seems too black and white. It really has to do with the emotional relationship, the loyalty and devotion that grows between people through intimacy. One scripture talks about “loving the Lord our God will all our heart,  and with all your soul, and with all your mind….” Matt 22:37….this is our first priority. Then we must reflect back to Genesis, to the original design of the marriage relationship. In it we see that a man and woman will leave their mother and father to become one flesh. Of course, there is a physical aspect to this idea, but deeper into the intent of this scripture is the joining of souls, or the hearts. People long to give their heart to someone, but I have found that few wait for the right person. We rush things and give little parts of our hearts to people who are just casual dating relationships, and give up our innocence, purity of heart and true love. When we keep things in the right order, God first, then our spouse, we experience a deeper love than words can describe.  “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23

5. Protect your words. – With our words we make vows, we convey blessing and cursing, we share emotions and we let the intentions of our heart out. Two people in a dating relationship will naturally begin to feel things for each other. I believe they should exercise restraint, physically, emotionally and yes, with their words. What if we only told one person that we loved them. Wouldn't that bring more value when we say it? I believe our words are meant to be saved, then shared. I remember the first time I tried to bring up love between Shanna and I. We were in her car, sitting in front of her dorm. I said that we should talk about what was going on between us.....Baam...She got out of the car and went inside without saying a word. In that case, actions spoke louder than words. She knew, I knew, we just did not want to spoil things by saying it….we were in love.  “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.” Prov. 10:19  “Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts…..no human being can tame the tongue…..with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.” James 3:5-9

6. Check your drivers. - Do not be “needs driven” or “flattery driven”. If your personal needs or the feeling of obligations to those who flatter or pursue you cause you to date, dating will send you in the wrong direction. Just be friends, test your heart and your motivation to see what is driving you before dating.

7. Date someone you would marry. - Because I see dating as a committed relationship between two people who already know each other and who could be marriage material, I love the idea of dating a person you know “could” be someone you spend the rest of your life with. If the person is just someone you like to hang out with, just be good friends, stay in group situations and protect your heart, words and body.

8. Build a great track record. - Enjoy the opposite Sex, Build Positive and Fun History with them, develop positive relationships with many people of the opposite sex without dating them. Which means, just be friends….really, I wonder if young people even know how to be friends anymore. The art of friendship without physical obligation or casual sex, sexting or sexual activity has been lost. If friends can share ideas, experiences and fun together without saying too much, doing too much or even feeling too much, friends can go in either direction without baggage, hard feelings, awkwardness or obligation. The couple is free to move forward in joy or to just remain friends. I draw the line, most of the time, between “friendship” and “dating” with the amount and type of “alone time” the couple spends together. If the couple is just friends, then they won’t repeatedly go to the movies alone together. If they ride in the car with friends or visit each others home, while being around others, this is not dating. If either friend demands things from the other, or expects them, just because they spent time together, this is a red flag…run. Otherwise, enjoy friendships with many people of the opposite sex.

9. Going on Dates….is better than just “dating”.  When moving from friendship to a dating relationship, “go on dates”.  Let the alone time you spend together have beginnings and endings. I will explain more in the next point. But, an example is a birthday party at a friends. The boy picks up my daughter, with a plan, with clear communication and with commitment to be where they say they are. They go to the party, stay for the agreed upon time, returning home at a reasonable hour. The Dating Relationship allows the two short periods of time alone or with friends and family to get to know each other more, to enjoy each other and to responsibly share short spurts of life together. The two can spend time at each other’s home, but I draw the line when it begins to look like the couple is “playing house”.

10. Don’t Play House – I believe God has created men and women to want to spend their lived together. To share their homes, ideas, experiences and passions with each other. The problem comes when  young couple moves past the friendship and dating phase, into any version of the “playing house” phase. This provides too much opportunity to spoil the relationship with physical, emotional, verbal and mental exchanges that are premature, in my opinion. Playing House allows a dating couple the freedom to enjoy the benefits a married couple might enjoy without the commitment. For instance. A teen couple might date a few times then get to know the parents. They may spend the day together then watch a movie back at his house. They share a meal, snacks, hanging out then a snuggle on the couch as mom and dad go to bed. They watch movies and text friends together until midnight, spending three or four hours on the couch together with no accountability. I think this is a problem and an example of an activity married couples get to enjoy, not dating couples. I mean, what hormonal teen boy can lay around on the couch with a girl he obviously finds attractive and not move closer and closer to a sexual encounter. If we are “not letting a hint of sexual immorality” enter into our relationship then, extended and late times alone in the car, in the house or at a friends house are not very smart. Another example is bedroom time. Boys don’t come into the bedroom of my daughters, period. When they get married or maybe engaged to a guy, the bedroom can become part of the picture, but until then, there is no reason for any boy to be on my daughters bed or hanging out, outside of my sight, inside my daughters room.

11. Strive for Best, not just good for now – Love, Fun, Intimacy, Sex and Private Experiences of every kind are better after two people have counted the cost and chosen the one person they will love forever. Even the experiences of struggle, stress, loss and loneliness are dealt with better when you are in a covenant relationship with one person. Why can’t young people restrain themselves until the “best” guy or girl shows up? Somehow culture has trained us to fear the process of waiting or denying ourselves any pleasure. We think we must have everything we want, NOW. But....,what if sex is better when you wait. 

What if love is deeper when you wait. What if life together is better when you wait to share every life experience together. Don’t settle, don’t be cheap, don’t be easy, don’t feel obligated, don’t give yourself away. Maybe it’s because I have 3 daughters to protect, but these are some ideas I have tried to instill into them from the time they were young. I prayed they would see themselves as special and that every day they would know they are loved, without giving themselves to some young dude, in any way. I encourage them to strive for the best, not just for “good for now” and to operate out of trust that God is preparing that special person for their future so they don’t have to fear and settle…

12. Let It Linger – I really don’t know how to say this well, other than to be cheesy. I believe there is a mystery, a secret passion, a loveliness and joy found in true love. When a boy really likes a girl, or a girl really likes a boy, “true love” may be on the other side of that attraction. The attraction is normal and great, even if it is physical. And if we are committed to the kind of friendship, dating and marriage relationship process I have talked about, you can understand the value of this point. “Let It Linger” means that the couple may be aware of a growing attraction, the X factor that energizes the time they spend together and that thing you really love about the other. The couple that “Lets it Linger” will go home each time they visit without acting upon the attraction they feel. For example: The couple may be physically attracted to each other, but they will let that attraction linger, let it marinade and just enjoy the mystery of the attraction with hopes that one day in the future that mystery will become reality, in a powerful way. I wish young people would value the idea that they are not required to share everything, right away. They can allow someone to be attracted to them and can decide to hold back, even if the other one pursues them or pushes the issue. Shanna and I waited till were married to have sex. I kissed her for the first time after we asked her parents if we could get married and decided we were moving forward as an engaged couple. I can honestly say that our first kiss was the best kiss I have ever experienced. The next few months could have been the beginning of our sexual relationship. Instead, we “let it linger”, the desire, the wonder and the attraction, we just waited. Later when we were finally married, we said “I DO” without going to the honeymoon feeling like, “well, we already did”. Rather, there was a holiness, an expectation, an intimacy that was more than physical. We enjoyed deep levels of trust, intimacy, conversation, planning, dreaming and physical pleasure, because in the end, our honeymoon was about more than sex, it was a fulfillment of the scripture that talks about her leaving her family, me leaving mine and us becoming one flesh. Everything about our honeymoon was better than we had imagined!!!!      I want my kids to wait before they give out their cell phone numbers, to wait before they get alone with a guy, wait before saying I love you, wait before holding hands, kissing or treating that guy like he is Mr. Awesome. Let them wonder and let them grow in desire and be tested by time, circumstance and character. Let it linger and stop being in a hurry.

13. It’s not about rules, It’s about our heart – I want my kids to follow God with all their heart, not just some of it, some of the time, but all of it, all of the time. I’m not raising my kids to be good or acceptable. I’m not raising them to be perfect either. It is not about the perfection of their actions, but the heart with which they live, including Dating. I don’t give them too many rules for fear that they will use the rules to please me and keep me off their backs. Rather, I want them to have a heart after God, and a heart yielded to the plan God has for them in regards to dating relationships. If they do, while they learn and grow, they will remain teachable and will allow me to protect and coach them. They will protect their heart, mind, body and words and will be free to experience the ups and downs of growing without regret. Life will be challenging, so keeping their heart right will allow grace to flow. So, stay away from too many rules and stay away from no boundaries at all. Find boundaries and focus the eyes of your heart on the love and person of God and like I have promised my kids, that it will be worth it, beyond what they can now imagine.