Writing -- When I should be working....

I should be working...

But this is what worship music does to me...

Some days, I sneak up to the studio when no one is there and put in worship music -- and let it play and play.

Some days, I put the SAME SONG on repeat all.  day.  long.

Today was one of those days.

And, by the time the people start walking through the door, I'm good and distracted by worship, and lyrics, and prayers, and heart cries, and prophetic words, and being in step with God's Spirit.  Fortunately, my personal clientele already know they are free to ignore me. They are here to make music, and that's what we do.

Words I've heard 100,000 times today...

"Be thou my vision, be thou my joy, my providence and my reward...be thou the wisdom that I employ to trade my worth for Yours."

A few years ago, I got a call from a mother who wanted me to teach her daughter piano.  Sure that her daughters gifts and talents needed to be encouraged, she was pulling her from another well known (good) program in the Springs.  No pressure.

Whereas this young student's gifts were obvious, she had a learning disability that prevented her from telling whether or not a particular note was on a line or space.  This was so hard for her in fact that she had actually become fearful of being forced to read music.

Knowing this, I worked from virtually every angle I could think of.

I researched.

I prayed.

I would periodically go back to the mom for updates, to give a report, and to make the every so slight suggestion that just maybe voice lessons would be the way to go.

The mom was sweet, but firm.  "Shanna, I've prayed.  You are suppose to be her teacher."

Hmmmmmmmmm

"Be thou my refuge, be thou my strength 
should my confession err.  My heart shall whisper a sure Amen, and trust your every word."

I continued praying.  Continued trying different things...continued going back to the mom with various "other" suggestions.

I respected this mother, and she was always sure.  "Shanna, I've prayed.  You are suppose to be her teacher."

***

A couple of years ago, we just so happened to be in Austin, Texas around Thanksgiving.  We dropped in on friends which included our former worship leader, Ross Parsley.  After dinner we engaged in lively conversation about kids, ministry, life and music.

Ross, whose worship along with New Life Worship is known around the world, joking told the truth with the following, "All you really have to know to lead worship around the world is the I, IV, and V chord in every key."

Selah.

That little statement right there -- may not mean a lot to YOU.  But a light from Heaven shown down for me -- and a Heavenly chorus sang a little diddy.   It was an answer to my prayers.  The Spirit of God immediately broke into my thoughts with the little girls name, "She's a worship leader."

And, by golly, I knew the I, the IV and V chord -- in EVERY key -- and, well  you don't have to read music to play from chord charts.

"Be thou exhalted Jesus forever.  Be exhalted forever."

I sent the mom a quick note just to say I'd like to go in another direction and if she'd just give me a little "creative liberty" for a time, I did indeed have a plan.

A year later, this child knows the I, IV, and the V chord in every key.  In fact, there isn't a chord she doesn't know nor a chord chart she can't print and play within a matter of minutes.  She's learned to keep a steady rhythm, improvise a beginning and an ending, and play inverted chords.  She's learned to find the melody or the "singing note" while she's playing the harmony and has had quite a bit of performance experience.  And, she hasn't even made it to Jr High School yet.

This past week, she came to spend her usual time with me.  She says, "My church doesn't have a worship ministry for my age group.  They've asked me to start and lead one!"

I smile.

Because, well, I knew it all along.

"Hallelujah to the Name of All Names.  
Hallelujah to our God - Be all praise!  
Ever Holy, Worthy, Be thou exhalted always."

We then have rousing conversation about how to pick songs, how to order them, why you WOULDN'T pick certain songs (like El Shaddai), and on to how to pick out your own chord configurations when your writing your own music.

And, as the worship music blares around me right now, I really can't think of any other reason why I work.

You see Kindermusik students.  I see tomorrows worship leaders -- and world changers.

True, I don't know how to do everything.

But I do know how to pray.

I know how to listen for the voice of the Holy Spirit and try to cooperate with what He's saying.  Both at home and at work.

And here me now, parents (and ministers and business owners and students and well...the whole world)...

This is the one thing you HAVE to be able to do.

Billy will speak at yet another parenting conference next month and he will ultimately say what we believe to be some serious truth -- THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU PRAYING, FOR YOU TRYING TO HEAR THE SPIRIT OF GOD AND FOR YOU TRYING TO COOPERATE WITH WHAT HE'S DOING.

***

I sent a text to my college kid today.  The just of what I wanted to say was that "pressure" had to be kept in it's proper perspective or it just turns to fear.

God's yoke is LITE.

We don't all leave home to do extraordinary things.

And, I know the pressure my college kid feels -- to be and do extraordinary -- is real.  She is her mother and fathers child after all.

BUT, this I know.  An ordinary life -- one that involves working, teaching, figuring things out, writing blogs, and being ok with a few good sentences because you don't have time to pen any great ones.  A life that is going to the grocery store, paying the bills, making the bank deposit, going to school, loving your friends, working out, praying, being an active part of your community, parenting, loving your spouse -- an ordinary, steady life -- LIVED WELL -- well...that can be an extraordinary thing too.

Be encouraged today friends!  Pray.  Try to hear the Spirit of God.  Try to cooperate with what He says.

Turn on your worship music.

Now, seriously, I have to go to work.

"Be thou my passion.  Be thou my zeal.  That I may offer these.  
No great procession or vain appeal, 
just my sincerity."

This Post is NOT about Billy...

This isn't about Billy.

It's about other things...

This week, Victoria came home and told me she was in trouble at school for "cheating". 

What? 

Victoria is a freakin genius kid.  She doesn't need to cheat.

The story goes like this...

During a math test, "Not-so-Smart" kid kept looking on Victoria's paper.  Victoria could tell the girl was doing this...over...and over...and over...

Near the end of the test, Victoria's passive aggressive levels reached their peak and she turned suddenly on the girl and snapped in a LOUD voice, "You have to put that last problem in scientific notation for the answer to be right!"

She's not related to me AT ALL.

The teacher immediately corrected her for "helping" the other student.  Of course Victoria wasn't aware that she was on purpose providing any real "help" -- but she's so tired from the past 2 weeks of family insanity that she was all like WHATEVER.

Teacher calls me to discuss the "cheating incident."

He explains how the other girl "confessed".  Explained Victoria's "over the top" reaction.

I say to Mr. Teacher, "I'm not sure why she had such an over the top reaction.  Under normal circumstances, I would have instructed Victoria to turn to the girl MUCH EARLIER and yell out STOP CHEATING OFF MY PAPER YOU TWO TIMING MATAHARI (to quote George Banks)!  But, Mr. Teacher, we are not in normal circumstances right now, and I don't care that much about being a good parent.  So, I'll leave the consequences up to your discretion."

He was speechless and I felt satisfied with that.

He muttered a few other things I don't remember, finally just dismissed himself....and hung up.

I know I was just being a brat...

A brat who actually didn't have the capacity to handle the situation any differently at the moment and besides Victoria had already kinda "handle it" to my satisfaction -- but bratty none-the-less.

***

Today, I went on Obama's health insurance website.

Anyone else looked at it?

I text my sister and say, "Every time I click the 'shop now' button, nothing happens!  Obama is probably downloading spyware into my computer as I speak."

Allison, "Shanna, it's like a MAJOR story right now that the website doesn't work."

Me, "He has unlimited resources and a boat load of smart people at his disposable just sitting around thinking crap up -- and they can't get the 'shop now' button to work?  Ok, I'll call them."

Me, "There are 29 callers ahead of me.  I hung up.  Maybe we'll revisit the idea of this on Dec 31st".

Allison, "Open enrollment ends on Dec 7.  There are entire hospitals and doctors opting out, so I'd give your providers a call first.  Or just rent a movie and look on Pinterest."

Sounds good.

***

Today, I informed myself that it is ok for my joy to come back.  It's ok for my brain to turn back on.

It's definitely ok for me to shower and wash my hair.

In general, it's ok.

I'm going to stop eating rice cakes now, and get back to good nutrition and exercise.

And, that's all I wanted to say...

:)

2 Weeks Later...

I really, really wanted to start this blog out with a step by step tutorial on how to fry chicken.

Or with a picture of my next pallet art design.

Or maybe do an update of how much weight I've lost while eating nothing but Smart Food Popcorn, Rice Cakes and Skim Milk for 4 days.  (The bag said "Smart" -- I got confused).

Anyhow...

The thought made me laugh.

Since B has gotten sick, my blog has been read THOUSANDS of times more than normal.

And, well, I just thought it would be a funny trick to play on all my new male readers...

Logging in to check on Billy...

Having to read about my newest painting endeavor...

I think I have ICU delirium.

***

When I was 9 months pregnant with Elizabeth Joy, Billy took a second job cleaning parking lots at night. 

He managed a Christian Bookstore during the day -- and cleaned parking lots ALL night.  He literally had to run to finish before the sun came up.

I felt sorry for him.

Soooooo, one night I decided to ride with him.

9 months pregnant.

In a Mitsubishi Mirage.

Going into bars at 3am to go to the bathroom -- because what else is open at 3am?

Basically, I just made us both miserable.

That's EXACTLY what it was like to spend night #12 in the hospital with Billy!

Miserable.

By morning, we were both hallucinating.


***

Apparently, the following things give me Post Traumatic Stress...

Beeping monitors, nurses, blogging, helicopter rides, text messages, going to work, headaches, being bossed around by Billy, Benign Subarachnoid Hemorrhages, and Duck Dynasty beards.

***

When the doctor asked if we were ready to go home, I was concerned to say the least.

Billy's pain is VERY serious.  He sleeps MAYBE 3 hours at a time, and has nightmares so intense he wakes up sweating.

He has 2 - 3 hours of "feel good" each day right now -- and he's fought with all his might for that!

Addressing my concerns, the doctor reminded me that the trauma in Billy's brain had occurred 13 days ago. 

The bleeding had stopped and no new bleeding, stroke, etc etc etc had occurred and that they infact knew this because they had looked at his brain from every conceivable angle every day since.

Again, the pain is due to blood in the spinal fluid and it will take several weeks (4-6 to reabsorb into his body).  As the blood reabsorbs, the pain will go away.

Billy takes 3 different narcotics --  the kind they keep in time lapsed safes and you have to show your ID to purchase.  He is dopey, drugged, sleepy, non functioning and STILL IN PAIN.

I am ready for PAIN to GET.  OUT.  OF.  MY.  HOUSE.

***

I have let Billy back on facebook.  During those few "good" hours he tries to make phone calls, reconnect with the world -- but it's all laborious for him.

I can't even say how tired all 7 of us are....

For people who like living fast...being forced to live in slow motion...has just drained us in every way possible!

We are praying that the blood would reabsorb QUICKLY, that the pain would go away, we would all have good sleep, and make a full recovery.  Sooner rather than later. 

We are praying for strength to rise.

***

For each and every act that YOU have done to lighten our load, we can't say thank you enough.

We are keeping a list of DAILY IMPROVEMENTS -- NO MATTER HOW SMALL.

I am very thankful to be living one day at a time, versus one hour at a time.

And that's, #1 on the "no matter how small" list.

***

We are officially home,

Actual Day, 11 - Feels Like Day, 11,234

So, yesterday, I arrived at the ICU, and I just wasn't in the mood to be told what to do.

What can I say?

I had had enough.

I had decided that Billy WOULD get shaved and showered.  And, I was more than willing to go head to head with whoever stood in our way.

It was a simple enough request in my sleep deprived mind.

As I walked in the room, I noticed B's duck dynasty beard was gone.

Me, "I see you've already shaved."

Male Nurse, under his breath, "I wasn't in the mood to die today."

Yea.  Smart of him.

But I wasn't even remotely pacified.

I leaned over, kissed Billy and whispered, "My aggressive side has arrived.  You are fixing to get your shower."

B, under his breath, "What took you so long?"

I stand up and look Male Nurse straight in the eyes.  I say, "He needs a shower."

Male Nurse, looking me straight back in the eyes as if we were playing chicken, "We don't have a shower in the ICU."

Me, "That's a lie.  I know you have a shower."

Male Nurse, not breaking his gaze, "Let's wait and see if he gets transferred today."

Me, determined to win, "How about no.  How about I don't care if I have to get in the shower with him, he gets one now."

Billy, giggling, "Yea, let her get in with me!"

He continues to blab something in-coherent about a conjugal visit.

Still looking eye to eye with the nurse, and not even remotely amused, I say, "Billy shut up."

Nurse, finally ready to give in, says to the orderly, "Get her some towels."

Yup.

***

Doctor comes in mid day to let us know that Billy's condition has been down graded enough to allow him to move out of ICU and into a regular room.

Doctor laughing, "I see you have had a shower."

He smiles at me, "That's a story for your blog."

Me to the doctor, "You've heard of my blog?"

Doctor laughs, "No."

Whatever.

***

Many, MANY people have text me, just to make sure, that we do indeed have health coverage.

I know you "don't want to pry".

So, let me set the record straight once and for all.

OF COURSE WE HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE PEOPLE -- there is no need to host a telethon.

Actually, if you want to host a telethon, go for it.  I wouldn't mind one little bit.

***

Last night Hosanna drove me home.

Me, "Are we babysitting Michael's dog over the holidays?  It might be therapeutic for our family to have a dog around for a little while."

Hosanna, "Say that again.  It's fixing to be my facebook status."

I know only some of you can appreciate that.

***

My 14 year old son kisses the top of my head as we get ready to turn in.

Ben, "It's going to be ok mom.  Dad is strong."

And, well, how many 14 year old boys in America today can say, "My dad is strong."

And know that he is strong.  In all the ways that a man can be strong.

***

Not much change today.

PT.

OT.

Headache.

UTI.

And, well, I'm gonna try to spend the night at the hospital for the first time -- and we're gonna try not to kill one another.

Because we're at the point.

Ya know, Billy's gonna live -- so I just might kill him.

Relax.

It's just an expression.

We're just ready to blow this joint.

:)

End of Day 10 - Strength is Rising

Do you want to know my greatest fear?

It isn't that Billy or one of my children might die.

That's my second greatest fear.

***

I have deep respect for profound grief.

I watched my father's sudden and tragic death tear my mother's heart and soul so deeply it tore into her mind.

13 years later, I am watching God slowly redeem and restore.

I know that He looses the chains of wasted years.

***

Granga said to me once, "The older you get, the more people you know who've died."

Truth be told, if one lived LONG enough, they could possibly live to see everyone they ever loved die, yes?

***

My greatest fear, is that if I were called, entrusted even to bear the weight of such a horrific moment...

That I couldn't in that day -- or any day ever after -- say again that God Is Good.

That - God Is Unfailing.

And for those who are quick to respond, "Yes YOU could."

Please know, that I've spent hours, days, years even contemplating this as it relates to myself.  And, I say, I'm not sure.

At the thought, my forehead is actually wrinkled with worry and I have to think about catching my breath.

***

I haven't posted since Day 7.

Because Days 8, and 9 were more than I could bear.

Truthfully, had Elizabeth not had the where-with-all to come home to be with me this weekend, I would have had an all out mental breakdown.

The last couple of days have left me speechless and well, that doesn't happen often.

Actually, I wasn't speechless.

I was exhausted.  I didn't want to update the world.

So, me and the kids got an online journal going.  For Billy.  And, it was therapeutic for us.

His mind seemed all but broken.  I believed he sensed this too.

His pain unbearable.

 Delirium, hallucination, depression, hopelessness...

3 families around us, unhooked their husbands, their fathers and waited for them to die.

Leaving every night ripped my heart out.

Whether or not he knew I was there, I laid my hands on his chest, and commanded strength to rise.

Laid my hands on his head and commanded pain to separate from his body.

I picked up the medical pamphlets and prayed over every function of his body to work supernaturally, just the way God had designed it to work.

Then I'd drive the hour home and cry, cry out, so intensely that I couldn't remember how I got there.

***

And, this is what I think.

Should my heart and flesh fail in the worst of the worst moments...

If my greatest fears materialize...

Should I find one day that I am in fact incapable of saying with my mouth, much less deep in my Spirit, that God is good -- that He does not fail...

Then, in that moment...MY FAILURE is what I'll offer.

For I already know that sometimes, our pain, our searing grief, our disappointment, our anger, our unbelief, our hate...well...these things are at times all we can offer.

So, I circle back around to knowing that the deepest need of my heart, of my life, and the prayer that is more real to me today than 10 days ago...

"One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple."  Psalms 27:4

And, I look my worried and tired children in the eye and say these very things.

***

And...by the way...

Today, Billy turned a corner.  At least that's what the doctor called it.

His pain was considerably less -- and they have begun to wean him off some of the meds.

His status was down graded.

Non critical.  

Stable.

Benign.

Non traumatic.

Although, we'd beg to disagree with that last part.

He was moved to a regular room.

He showered TWICE.  He walked.  He talked like a normal person mostly.

Three of our five children came to see him.

So night and day from their last visit...they buried their heads in his chest and cried.

He cried too.

***

Much to process.

***

Tomorrow he begins physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and cognitive therapy.

And, we'll miss another day of school and work.  And drive an hour to Denver.

And, it'll be a new day.

And we can live with that.

Blessings,

Update - Day 7

I, actually, have no sense of humor that I'm aware of.

Today, I discussed Billy's illegible facebook status with my sister.

I say, "It's disturbing."

She says, "Yes, it is.  It's not funny...but it is sort of funny."

And, with a totally straight face, that pretty much sums it up...

(Admittedly, there is a chance that when my mind and body are constantly slammed with a barrage of strong emotion - anger, fear, sadness, thankfulness, love, confusion, resolve, annoyance, hysteria, to name a few - that the "sarcastic centers" of my brain are heightened.)

I am exhausted.

My routine when driving home from the hospital each evening is to blare the music at volume 37 in the car.

Then, once the sound of the hospital monitor is thoroughly drowned out in my mind...

I can think.

I can pray.

Our kids are exhausted.

They haven't seen Billy since the day he landed in the ICU.

And, I probably need to plan to remedy that soon.

College kid is coming home tomorrow.

Victoria is currently sitting at the digital piano, volume 37, playing and singing at volume 137.

Ben is strumming his guitar.

Hosanna works - forces her mind to be present in THAT moment.

They are like their mother.

Billy is TOTALLY exhausted.

He hasn't had 1 night of good sleep in 7 days.

Last night, he was up every hour.

His pain vacillates from a 4 - 9.  More bad moments than good, but SOME good moments.

He takes very, VERY small steps forward each day.

Today, for instance, he sat up for a meal.  He opened his eyes.

He has a slight "ICU delirium".  No sleep, can't remember the day, doesn't know if it's day or night.

Doctor's assure me it will wear off.

He's hallucinating.

Doctor's assure me that that's the drugs talking.

Older nurse, "He's smashed."

According to him, being smashed is kinda cool.

Me, "What do you see?"

B, "Not anything scary.  Not zombies."

Ooooookkkkkkkkkkk

His own sarcasm is off the charts.  Clearly he's frustrated and really attempting to regain control of his situation.

I see that as positive.

Example:

Billy, "Will you get me an ice pack for my head."

Nurse, "If you'd like that."

Billy takes ice pack.  Says, "Shouldn't I have something warm instead...to make the blood flow better?"

Nurse, "If you'd like that."

Billy, annoyed, "Geesh!  Why do I have to think of everything around here!"

***

Billy, "Shanna, where is my remote?"

Me, "Up by your shoulder."

Billy, loud, "Why do they put it there?  It's like this whole hospital is built for midgets."

(Sorry for the use of the word midget)

And on and on my day goes.

They continue to do scans and sonograms and vein thingys and all other configuration of tests each day.

It all seems to be going in the right direction, all be it slowly.

If his pain can be managed a little better, they move him sometime this weekend to a regular room.

That will be good for him.  And, us.

In the meantime,

For the meals, the gift cards, and the cash...

For my studio families who "donated" their piano lessons so I didn't have to come in or lose the income...

For the DLA student who took Victoria to coffee...

For my friend Paola who helped Elizabeth with her plane ticket...

For my friend Lynn who tracked down prayer cards from 15 years ago to mail to us -- after I expressed I was so desperately looking for my own set...

For my mother-in-law, who relieves me at the hospital (in a way that I can really trust)...

For my friend Ginny who sent me an email filled with scripture that so deeply spoke to me...you know...in a way only someone who's known you for a long time can do...

For my neighbor Lori who brought over bags of junk food for my kids...comfort food...

For my friends Rose and Rebecca who came over to finish my Jesse Tree ornaments...

For my sister who daily keeps my spirits up...

FOR ALL THE PRAYERS

And well, for a myriad of other things...

We are thankful to be taken care of...

Love to you all,

Day 6 is better than Day 1 - and other OBVIOUS things...

This morning when I came in, the nurse meet me in the hall and said, "It's day 6.  Day 6 is better than day 1."

I suppose that is true.

Obvious Medical Facts I've Been Given Over and Over:

- The pain is caused by blood in the spinal fluid

- The pain is very hard to control

- It takes time for the blood to be absorbed back into the body

Thus making Day 6 -- better than Day 1.

Got it.

Day 5, however, was a bitch.

Yesterday, after what has felt like a million hours of EXCRUCIATING pain, they decided to do a spinal tap.

Removing some of the bloody fluid causes pain reduction in SOME people SOME of the time.

It didn't work.

My heart threatened to fail.

They decided to try "one more med" - something that starts with a T and is often used for kidney stones...because that's about as clearly as I hear things these days.

Within an hour, his pain was a 3.  He opened his eyes for the first time in days.  He spoke.

He ordered blueberry pancakes, bacon, french fries, whole milk, root beer, a strawberry protein shake, and a cinnamon roll for dinner.  And ate most of it.

I cried.

It felt like a miracle.

When I arrived this morning, he was dressed and sitting in a chair.  His pain was a 9.

Another obvious medical fact,

On a pain scale of 1 - 10, a 9 is not as good as a 3, but way better than a 12.

The doctors continue to hold that Billy's healing is taking a predictable path.

His brain is healing.

It needs more time.

His pain will continue to go up and down, but the numbers should be lower.

He should make a full recovery, have no permanent brain damage...

And...most importantly...and not as obvious to me...

The chances of a benign subarachnoid hemorrhage happening again, are low.

****

This morning, Billy called and asked if I were coming to the hospital.

30 minutes later, I received this text...

asdlfkwoeha;dsdnff  asoiifhhw
a;sdhfe   feihwhoehhfoe  fowhfeh

Thinking that he may need me to bring him something, I called him.

Me, "I didn't understand your text.  Did you need something?"

Billy, "No.  I was just texting you to see if you were coming up."

I forward the text to my sister.

She responds, "Did he butt text you?"

THE DOCTOR SAYS HE ISN'T LIKELY TO HAVE ANY LONG TERM BRAIN DAMAGE.

****

Thought:  I should make a bitstrip cartoon about this.

THE DOCTOR SAYS I AM NOT LIKELY TO HAVE ANY LONG TERM BRAIN DAMAGE.

****

Billy requested that I go get him some BenGay for his neck.  He has symptoms (stiffness) similar to meningitis. BenGay doesn't help per say, but the smell does distract him.

When I stopped at Walgreens to pick it up, I also grabbed a giant candy cane.  Because he likes those.

Me, "I got you a present." (Hand him the Candy Cane)

B, turning a little pale, "Is it Christmas now?"

:)

Strength is rising,